FWAW RECAP EPISODE 5 - Meet the family... sort of

Meet the Family… sort of

Today I drove 650km to get home in time for FWAW, so my expectations are high. Our Farmers are taking the ‘girls’ to meet the families… allegedly. I want to be excited, and then the lovely Sam graces our screen wearing skinny jeans. And I am reminded that I am a mother of three who is lopping over the sides of my skinny jeans, and all of a sudden I am dragged back to Earth again.

Bring it on.

The Fight for the Farmer is Nearly Done.

Adam – We are reminded that Christine with the sad back story had to leave Gippsland (not THE Gippsland as many people have pointed out). Adam takes his girls to a pampering session with an ulterior motive. His ‘mates best friend’ is a hairdresser there. “Spy Sharni” is there to torture, control, manipulate, abuse coax the girls into saying what they are really thinking about Adam. Oh the sneaky sneaky.

Jedd – We are now publicly acknowledging that Jedd is ‘left of centre’, and this is reinforced by him taking his girls for a competitive game of minigolf, which is great when you are 13 and hoping to ask a girl to go steady with you, but a bit sad when you are desperate a bit older. The girls end up losing the ‘friendly game’ and end up cleaning Jedd’s filthy car during what can only be described as a sad imitation of a Jessica Simpson “boots are made for walking” film clip. Jedd sits back and sucks on a cool beer throughout.

Jedd eventually gets his own shirt off, and whilst it does nothing for me personally, it is a true gentleman who doesn’t leave his girls stranded alone on national tv in wet t-shirts.

Matt – He’s out fixing a windmill with his girls, which is – at least – a real farm job. Both girls are giving it a fair crack, and my Farmer CP takes the time to ask me if I will clean out the troughs with him in some daisy dukes. I say I will, but it won’t look the same, and that I insist on him placing fairy lights around the trough first. Because ROMANCE.

Matt takes Gabby on a helicopter ride. She is seriously wetting herself. There is more kissing. Brand Ambassador April takes to the farm gym to let off some steam. It is a ‘gun show’ and there are loads of awkward Austin Power-like moments where Matt is all “oooh look at me falling on you on the ground”… and still no kissing. I can see April’s mind ticking over. She’s going to have to pull out all stops to get further with Matt.

Lance – Old Spice announces that they will be doing some real work today, and for a minute I get excited, because I am still kinda wondering what the heck he actually does when he’s not a ‘cowboy’. And then when I see it is painting an old shit box ute in flouro pink and aqua, I feel redeemed. I call bullshit on the whole Farmer thing. If Farmer CP EVER asks me to paint a crappy farm ute, the poo will really hit the proverbial fan.

It gets me thinking though. I ask Farmer CP what jobs he would have had girls doing on this farm if he’d ever ended up on FWAW. He says it would be stick picking, sorting sheep through gates, and cleaning troughs. Thank god we met at a Pub instead…

Old Spice is stressing about which of his ‘2 special ladies’ he is going to take on a 24 hour date (which we all know is code for ‘trying before you are buying’ – power to you all). Lance takes Suzi with the long dark hair on a quick date by the river (which means he is surely taking short haired Lisa on the BIG date). Suzi pulls out all stops. “This feels like home.” “You just know sometimes.” But the horses have already bolted there I believe… literally and metaphorically.

Lachie – There is a farm BBQ being organised, and I feel like this is deja vous. I know that editing plays a big role in how we view 'characters' on this show, but didn't  we already do this on Married at First Sight? Even the whole ‘mum and granny having a big say over the girl” thing?? As the girls set up fairy lights (yay more fairy lights), we are told that Belinda is feeling restless. So you should be Belinda. I’m still nervous about Lachie’s motivation, and I like you. Hope you packed some good vitamins for the farm stay. That’ll help with the restlessness.

Julz – More dirty work… The girls are out there hosing off another tractor. We are reminded about how GI Megan had to leave, and the girls throw ‘playful’ banter back and forth about how not using a hose properly somehow equals being a terrible farm wife. Julz tells the camera that the girls like to stir each other. I doubt this will be a long term problem Julz…

Party Time!

Lachie – I’m pretty sure Lachie’s mum and granny live on farm. They are always ‘there’… Meeting the Matriarchs can be a bit daunting, and Belinda clearly has this in the bag. But here’s the thing… In between all the ‘lovely salads’ Lachie takes his granny aside to ask he opinion. Being a lovely old thing of considerable age, she has nothing to lose by stating the truth. She thinks Belinda is a better match. Almost instantly, Lachie runs inside to corner Belinda to tell her about their ‘amazing connection’. Belinda, who is clearly caught in the moment, takes it all in and they share a moment together. Lachie is CLEARLY a player though – even my Farmer CP agrees. He could only bring himself to tell Belinda that AFTER his granny shared her thoughts. If he REALLY cared, he should have been able to do it without the Matriarchs having a say. If they have this much say now, it’s all downhill for whichever girl takes that monster on down the track. Belinda can do so much better!

Low and behold, Kelly watched ‘the moment’ and is clearly gutted. High drama on the farm ensues. Kelly pulls Lachie aside, whereby he follows one dog act with another dog act by making this all look like Kelly’s fault, Kelly asks him if there was ‘a pash’. He lies outright – or rather he DENIES – and then has the audacity to accuse Kelly of interrogating him. He announces that if that’s how she is acting, then it’s true… he likes Belinda better. Ugh. Dodged a bullet Kelly.

Jedd – More oysters. I’m wondering if Jedd ever eats anything else? Or if Channel 9 blew the budget on the putt putt golf, and so Jedd has to provide all meals from this point onward? Jedd’s mum Jill has 386543876400 questions for the girls, and after her own interrogation she announces diplomatically that she likes both girls and wants grandkids.

Julz – Julz takes his girls for a quiet night at the local Pub. There are posters of him all around the Pub that his hilarious friends have stuck around with something about GOOZA?? Which is clearly his REAL nickname, and now all I want to hear is the story behind GOOZA. It doesn’t happen though. I’m happy about this outing, because it’s similar to what actually happens. Julz always keeps it real. Wal (the Publican) gets them all to engage in a beer pulling contest. Julz does a terrible job, and everyone asks for a flake with their beer. Kidding. But they could have…

Adam – Double agent, Sharni (married to Troy, Adam’s best friend) makes another appearance, and the girls realise what has happened with the whole hair dressing thing. Hayley is crapping herself, and probably rightfully so, as Sharni announces that Taryn is by FAR her favourite. Troy likes ‘the blonde’ though (as Sharni is a blonde, that’s not really a surprise) and he also declares that ‘Hayley likes pigs and farming too, and is more compatible.’ Mate, I have almost nothing in common with The Farmer, and sometimes I think that’s what keeps us both on our toes. We share common values, and that’s WAY more important than my interest in farming. The show is called Farmer Wants a Wife, not Farmer Wants A Worker or Friend.

Lance – My Farmer spies long horned cattle on the farm, and now we are both speculating if maybe that’s what Cowboy Lance actually does. He announces he is taking Lisa on a 24 hour date to Great Keppel Island (which is only one of my favourite places in the whole wide world!) Suzi nearly cries, but acts all tough about it. She says she’s all good with it, but you can tell that it is dawning on her that the other sister wife is actually in with a real chance. Suzi drowns her sorrows in a beer or two.

Matt – April decides it’s time to put everything on the line and she tells Matt “I need you… you need me.” I can’t see any actual tears though, and it could be that we don’t own a fancy HD tv in this house, but I’m guessing her tears are more like the ones I use when I want the Farmer to feel bad about something. Matt kisses her and my Farmer announces that this show should be called “Farmer Wants a Box of Tissues.”

NEXT WEEK!

Sexy time on the overnight dates… at least I hope so.