FWAW RECAP EPISODE 6 - Hot Dates and Alliteration are Alive and Well

Episode 6 – Hot Dates and Alliteration are Alive and Well

Sam opens tonight’s penultimate episode with discussion about ‘our boys’, and a reminder of how the real prize here is true love, and not (actually) sponsorship, brand ambassadorial-ship, infamy etc.

The Most Romantic Day Yet

Adam:

His girls are both in PJs, and Taryn still looks better than me on a good day. Oh to be young again. Taryn says she’s hoping to hold hands with Adam soon. And as I’ve just learned what “Netflix and chill” ACTUALLY means, I’m wondering if “holding hands” is also code for something more sinister.

Dashing Dairy Farmer Adam (FFS with the alliteration already)is taking Taryn on the shag fest to a hot spring nearby. He says he’s never been before, and that doesn’t surprise me. What WOULD surprise me is if he was a regular there. There is the WORST POSSIBLE AWKWARD MOMENT EVER as Taryn goes in for a sexy spa kiss, and is rejected by Adam. She is gutted and embarrassed, and even asks him ‘when is a good time to kiss?’ (Eeeek). He says he doesn’t kiss on the first date. Awwww. Danger music plays and Adam adds cold water to the spa. Ouch.

After Taryn’s rejection, it is obvious that something needs to be done to rectify this. They drink bucket loads of wine, Taryn invites Adam back to her Villa, and they PASH… Taryn announces there was a ‘happy ending’. Noice.

Lachie:

Apparently he’s “shaken” after his altercation with Kelly. (And as an aside, Kelly is NOWHERE near as cranky at Lachie as the rest of Australia was after last week, which makes you wonder about the dodgy editing on this show. Mountain out of a mole hill anyone? I mean if that had been me last week, I would have reacted swiftly and violently… so maybe it was all a bang up after all?) I digress. Apparently she’s opened “old wounds” for him. Whatevs. He now has some clarity however, and as a result, cancels the remainder of his farm stay by booting BOTH girls from the farm. Wait, what??

Lance:

Lancey-boy (his words, not mine) is off to Great Keppel with Lisa, and I am so jealous of them both. That island is AMAZEBALLS. Lance is wearing the biggest hat ever on the boat over, and I’m wondering if I’d had the brains to wear a hat that big on the boat over, I could have saved myself a load of sunburn last time I went)… Susie is back home shovelling sheep s#!* (as you do… said no one ever). She is wondering if they are drinking cocktails over there…. YES… they are Susie. They definitely are…. Lance has probably had more than Lisa though, as he’s started speaking about himself in third person again. “Lancey-boy is not a paddle boarder.”

Susie is home going cray-cray. Talking to cockatoos and playing air guitar with a shovel.

Lancey-boy thanks Lisa for “coming on the show” (because this is all about tv, and not love right?). They do a lovely sunset cruise dating thing. Lance announces he is above ‘cloud 9’. Meanwhile, Susie laments the death of the sister-wives club. The writers outdo themselves with alliteration by making poor Sam spit out that “the sun has set on the smitten sweethearts”. Groan.

Matt:

Helicopter Hottie (and I SWEAR I am so happy this is all over next week, as the alliteration is really starting to do my head in), Matt, is taking April on the BIG date. It feels like it’s the sympathy vote. You know… I have this great connection with Gabby, but I’d better give you some time too”. Maybe I’m wrong, but I bet I’m not. There’s loads of kissing in some gorgeous hidden waterhole though, so Matt is getting his money’s worth out of this date.

Gabby is back home proving she can do hard work even without Matt, but I am thinking that if that was me, I’d be fixing to “watch Netflix and chill”… amiright? Hahaha There is lots of hand holding on separate swags under the stars.

Julz:

Still looking for a spark, which is a bit like finding a needle in a haystack apparently. Surprisingly, he takes Alex on the big date to a cute beach location, but they have as much chemistry as me and Maths A do. Melanie surely has this in the bag. Poor Alex.

Jedd:

No shock that he takes Sam on the hot date. They go to a Luxury Eco Lodge and get a massage. But wait… Jedd’s DOG is there too. Ummm I’m not really sure why Kerry who is still at home couldn’t be trusted to feed the dog? All that aside, they try to ‘get in the mood’. This means donning white robes, and sipping on sparkly wine. Because nothing says “we are so going to shag” than donning a white robe in a room you didn’t have to pay for. Sam gives Jedd the LURVE talk (you know… connections and electricity…etc.”) They kiss.

Jedd later says they shared a “vulnerable experience in front of the fire”, and as if that wasn’t enough, he follows it up with “Pandoras box opened, and he embraced the box.” I couldn’t make this shit up!

The Morning After The Night Before

Matt:

April is so touchy feely (arm strokes and fingers entwining) and there is still a lot of kissing. April announces about Matt that “150% this dude is the one.” hey discuss goals, ambitions, world peace and global fiscal policy (kidding). April talks about 1, 2, 3 kids. They reflect on their ‘unspoken bond’ (ie: Matt’s erection in the water hole presumably), and April cries happy tears.

After his date, Matt is wrestling with his feelings. He invited Gabby on a dinner, where they are waited on (presumably) one of Matt’s workmates, who has gone all out in one of his blue RB Sellars work shirts. He lurks suspiciously in the background as Gabby asks the tough questions. She cried a little and Matt tells her (nicely) not to.

Lance:

After the big hot island date, Lance and Lisa meet a frosty Susie at home. Completely oblivious to her pain, they don’t spare her any details, and annoy her with the facts. Lance stops short of asking her if she got all that s#!* shovelled while they were gone.

Adam:

Adam and Taryn start telling Hayley all about their hot date, and suspecting she might actually throw hot coffee on them for the effort, they back off a bit. Adam decides to take Hayley the ‘graphic designer/wannabe butcher’ on another date. Taryn relishes telling Hayley about the “HOT baths.”

Adam is clearly looking to pash Hayley on this date as well to even the score. He doesn’t really strike me as that kind of guy, but they are drinking whiskey, so who knows.

Taryn is at home eating three buckets of ice cream to drown her sorrows…

Julz:

Once home again, the spark between Julz and Mel is clear. He invites Mel on another date and even though Alex tries to throw her off by insisting that anything they do tonight will have nothing on what she has just had with him, Julz and Mel have the best date of the night.

There are sparks flying everywhere, hands being held and love confessions abound. I will be totally gutted if they don’t end up together.

Lachie:

Now that he has had his much needed time to think (ugh), he heads 900km away to find Belinda and give her some token flowers and discuss love. She seems smitten. Hope she is protecting her heart. X

Jedd:

Jedd takes Kerry out for a coffee and they mostly discuss Sam. He says he doesn’t know who he will choose, but the producers and editors are gearing this to look like it could be Sam.

NEXT TIME:

Yay for the season finale! The boys are heading to the city to pick their girls, and then we are back to the Hunter Valley to see who has won found love, and who is a tragic loser needs to go on another reality tv show to try again.

Stay tuned! Please share this with a friend if you enjoyed this! x

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 5 - Meet the family... sort of

Meet the Family… sort of

Today I drove 650km to get home in time for FWAW, so my expectations are high. Our Farmers are taking the ‘girls’ to meet the families… allegedly. I want to be excited, and then the lovely Sam graces our screen wearing skinny jeans. And I am reminded that I am a mother of three who is lopping over the sides of my skinny jeans, and all of a sudden I am dragged back to Earth again.

Bring it on.

The Fight for the Farmer is Nearly Done.

Adam – We are reminded that Christine with the sad back story had to leave Gippsland (not THE Gippsland as many people have pointed out). Adam takes his girls to a pampering session with an ulterior motive. His ‘mates best friend’ is a hairdresser there. “Spy Sharni” is there to torture, control, manipulate, abuse coax the girls into saying what they are really thinking about Adam. Oh the sneaky sneaky.

Jedd – We are now publicly acknowledging that Jedd is ‘left of centre’, and this is reinforced by him taking his girls for a competitive game of minigolf, which is great when you are 13 and hoping to ask a girl to go steady with you, but a bit sad when you are desperate a bit older. The girls end up losing the ‘friendly game’ and end up cleaning Jedd’s filthy car during what can only be described as a sad imitation of a Jessica Simpson “boots are made for walking” film clip. Jedd sits back and sucks on a cool beer throughout.

Jedd eventually gets his own shirt off, and whilst it does nothing for me personally, it is a true gentleman who doesn’t leave his girls stranded alone on national tv in wet t-shirts.

Matt – He’s out fixing a windmill with his girls, which is – at least – a real farm job. Both girls are giving it a fair crack, and my Farmer CP takes the time to ask me if I will clean out the troughs with him in some daisy dukes. I say I will, but it won’t look the same, and that I insist on him placing fairy lights around the trough first. Because ROMANCE.

Matt takes Gabby on a helicopter ride. She is seriously wetting herself. There is more kissing. Brand Ambassador April takes to the farm gym to let off some steam. It is a ‘gun show’ and there are loads of awkward Austin Power-like moments where Matt is all “oooh look at me falling on you on the ground”… and still no kissing. I can see April’s mind ticking over. She’s going to have to pull out all stops to get further with Matt.

Lance – Old Spice announces that they will be doing some real work today, and for a minute I get excited, because I am still kinda wondering what the heck he actually does when he’s not a ‘cowboy’. And then when I see it is painting an old shit box ute in flouro pink and aqua, I feel redeemed. I call bullshit on the whole Farmer thing. If Farmer CP EVER asks me to paint a crappy farm ute, the poo will really hit the proverbial fan.

It gets me thinking though. I ask Farmer CP what jobs he would have had girls doing on this farm if he’d ever ended up on FWAW. He says it would be stick picking, sorting sheep through gates, and cleaning troughs. Thank god we met at a Pub instead…

Old Spice is stressing about which of his ‘2 special ladies’ he is going to take on a 24 hour date (which we all know is code for ‘trying before you are buying’ – power to you all). Lance takes Suzi with the long dark hair on a quick date by the river (which means he is surely taking short haired Lisa on the BIG date). Suzi pulls out all stops. “This feels like home.” “You just know sometimes.” But the horses have already bolted there I believe… literally and metaphorically.

Lachie – There is a farm BBQ being organised, and I feel like this is deja vous. I know that editing plays a big role in how we view 'characters' on this show, but didn't  we already do this on Married at First Sight? Even the whole ‘mum and granny having a big say over the girl” thing?? As the girls set up fairy lights (yay more fairy lights), we are told that Belinda is feeling restless. So you should be Belinda. I’m still nervous about Lachie’s motivation, and I like you. Hope you packed some good vitamins for the farm stay. That’ll help with the restlessness.

Julz – More dirty work… The girls are out there hosing off another tractor. We are reminded about how GI Megan had to leave, and the girls throw ‘playful’ banter back and forth about how not using a hose properly somehow equals being a terrible farm wife. Julz tells the camera that the girls like to stir each other. I doubt this will be a long term problem Julz…

Party Time!

Lachie – I’m pretty sure Lachie’s mum and granny live on farm. They are always ‘there’… Meeting the Matriarchs can be a bit daunting, and Belinda clearly has this in the bag. But here’s the thing… In between all the ‘lovely salads’ Lachie takes his granny aside to ask he opinion. Being a lovely old thing of considerable age, she has nothing to lose by stating the truth. She thinks Belinda is a better match. Almost instantly, Lachie runs inside to corner Belinda to tell her about their ‘amazing connection’. Belinda, who is clearly caught in the moment, takes it all in and they share a moment together. Lachie is CLEARLY a player though – even my Farmer CP agrees. He could only bring himself to tell Belinda that AFTER his granny shared her thoughts. If he REALLY cared, he should have been able to do it without the Matriarchs having a say. If they have this much say now, it’s all downhill for whichever girl takes that monster on down the track. Belinda can do so much better!

Low and behold, Kelly watched ‘the moment’ and is clearly gutted. High drama on the farm ensues. Kelly pulls Lachie aside, whereby he follows one dog act with another dog act by making this all look like Kelly’s fault, Kelly asks him if there was ‘a pash’. He lies outright – or rather he DENIES – and then has the audacity to accuse Kelly of interrogating him. He announces that if that’s how she is acting, then it’s true… he likes Belinda better. Ugh. Dodged a bullet Kelly.

Jedd – More oysters. I’m wondering if Jedd ever eats anything else? Or if Channel 9 blew the budget on the putt putt golf, and so Jedd has to provide all meals from this point onward? Jedd’s mum Jill has 386543876400 questions for the girls, and after her own interrogation she announces diplomatically that she likes both girls and wants grandkids.

Julz – Julz takes his girls for a quiet night at the local Pub. There are posters of him all around the Pub that his hilarious friends have stuck around with something about GOOZA?? Which is clearly his REAL nickname, and now all I want to hear is the story behind GOOZA. It doesn’t happen though. I’m happy about this outing, because it’s similar to what actually happens. Julz always keeps it real. Wal (the Publican) gets them all to engage in a beer pulling contest. Julz does a terrible job, and everyone asks for a flake with their beer. Kidding. But they could have…

Adam – Double agent, Sharni (married to Troy, Adam’s best friend) makes another appearance, and the girls realise what has happened with the whole hair dressing thing. Hayley is crapping herself, and probably rightfully so, as Sharni announces that Taryn is by FAR her favourite. Troy likes ‘the blonde’ though (as Sharni is a blonde, that’s not really a surprise) and he also declares that ‘Hayley likes pigs and farming too, and is more compatible.’ Mate, I have almost nothing in common with The Farmer, and sometimes I think that’s what keeps us both on our toes. We share common values, and that’s WAY more important than my interest in farming. The show is called Farmer Wants a Wife, not Farmer Wants A Worker or Friend.

Lance – My Farmer spies long horned cattle on the farm, and now we are both speculating if maybe that’s what Cowboy Lance actually does. He announces he is taking Lisa on a 24 hour date to Great Keppel Island (which is only one of my favourite places in the whole wide world!) Suzi nearly cries, but acts all tough about it. She says she’s all good with it, but you can tell that it is dawning on her that the other sister wife is actually in with a real chance. Suzi drowns her sorrows in a beer or two.

Matt – April decides it’s time to put everything on the line and she tells Matt “I need you… you need me.” I can’t see any actual tears though, and it could be that we don’t own a fancy HD tv in this house, but I’m guessing her tears are more like the ones I use when I want the Farmer to feel bad about something. Matt kisses her and my Farmer announces that this show should be called “Farmer Wants a Box of Tissues.”

NEXT WEEK!

Sexy time on the overnight dates… at least I hope so.

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 4 - Someone is going home

Someone Is Going Home

This week we have been promised that there would be not just ONE, but TWO of the most romantic dates we’ll EVER have seen. That shouldn’t be too hard, as I wouldn’t classify ANY of the dates I’ve ever been on as ‘the best date ever’, and I don’t make a habit of watching other people’s dates as a general rule…

We open with a 20 second montage of checked shirts, big hats and longing looks.

‘Elimination Day’ draws near:

The girls are spurting gems such as ‘this is home’ and of course the farmers are all ‘I don’t want to let anyone down, but…’

So let’s just get this started already.

Matt:

The love triangle is in full force. Matt is getting the most air time these days, so this must be a pretty big thing. Matt feels like he has ‘intellectual conversations’ with Amelia, but he is very attracted to Brand Ambassador April, and he’s locked into emotional blackmail after rewarding Gabby’s cry with a kiss.

Matt gets his girls cleaning out troughs in their white shirts. Maybe he should follow this up with a date on how to effectively use Napisan in the bush? There is a brief mud wrestle with April (so clichéd) and Gabby scrubs the trough even harder and talks smack talk about April to vent her frustration at having to share the love of her life with a Brand Ambassador. Matt pulls Gabby (who is one onion short of more tears) aside to comfort her and it ends in another kiss.

Julz:

Julz and his ladies are out fixing fences. OKAY – now I am paying attention. This is a date I have been on. I can finally relate. He is woo-ing the ladies with talk of ‘iron droppers’. *drool* The only thing that could make this more romantic is by adding at least 30 extra degrees to the temperature today, and getting him to take the piss out of their efforts as they go.

It’s obvious that GI Megan has been friend-zoned, and probably even Alex too. Julz really only has eyes for Melanie (who is wearing matching red plaid). Melanie is a sure thing.

Julz is taking Melanie to a secluded cabin in the dark with a campfire. Sounds a bit like a scene in Wolf Creek if you ask me, but they both are too smitten with one another to be anywhere near as cynical as I am. They dine on plastic plates with a BBQ dinner, and I am pleased. This is the closest thing these girls will get to a real date other than going fencing with their farmer.

Lance:

Sad guitar music after we are reminded that Karen abandoned left him last week. Old Spice discusses how he has dealt with the ‘aftermath of shock’, but drops reminders that he still has two more ‘little ladies’ – perhaps hoping to convince himself of their actual value to him, more than trying to convince us. He refers to them as being ‘rip snorters’, because ROMANCE!

As Old Spice discusses Karen’s departure, one of the sister wives actually starts to cry. For a minute I think I am back in uni, sucking on a frozen coke and watching an episode of Ricky Lake or Donoghue, where the sister wives TRULY wanted their third sister to stay. This is like a train wreck. I can’t take my eyes away as they discuss their family realignment and have a group hug to make everything better.

Old Spice takes the girls on a #mavericks shopping spree. It doesn’t mean anything to me, but they must have paid a pretty penny for that advertising (or are great mates with Lance), but my Farmer is impressed. Now they are off to a ‘real’ rodeo… but time will tell if it actually is.

HOLA! They have made it to The Great Western!!! I still remember my first ever visit there. So funny. But no rodeo. My Farmer assures me it is probably a quiet night, and adds that it DOES get quite busy at times. But not tonight. Old Spice declares the Great Western to be ‘ONE OF THE BEST indoor rodeos in Central Queensland.’ That’s a big call! There must be, what? Like… only one indoor rodeo in Central Queensland right? Or are there actually more? You learn something new every day. Old Spice makes a throw away comment comparing one of his ‘little ladies’ to a bull. Get used to it love, there will be plenty more animal references where that comes from.

Adam:

It’s cold and wet and Adam is taking the girls to put hay out. My Farmer laughs as Hayley puts her seatbelt on. Don’t get me wrong, seat belts are the best, but I PROMISE you this is only being worn because of FWAW Workplace Health and Safety policy. Seatbelts on farms are optional under 20km an hour. In spite of Hayley’s attempts to woo Adam with her safe driving practices, he still chooses crowd favourite Taryn to come on a 1 on 1 date with him. Hayley spits chips.

Adam and Taryn engage in SEVERELY Producer inspired “how is our relationship progressing” convo. It’s so staged, it’s awkward. To change the subject Taryn talks about her cold hands. That old chestnut. They head home, and then he takes Hayley out on a date. Poor Christine. This must be the end of the line for you too.

Hayley is so excited about her date that she can’t stop gushing. ADAM (and definitely not the production crew) have pulled out all stops on the hay bail and fairy lights. Adam says “I don’t think she’s had this done for her before” and I really want to know if we can even technically say that Adam has ever done this at all as well? The two of them discuss how many married friends they have, and then they indulge in strawberries and chocolate (Hayley’s FAVOURITE!), but there is still no more talk of her butcher dreams, and definitely no kiss. Adam does have a ‘good feeling’ though.

Lachie:

Lachie doesn’t have to send anyone home tonight after one of his ladies walked out last week. Instead we see him take Kelly to a day spa/ pampering on his verandah. As I am watching this, a text comes through from Mrs B (my good friend and next door neighbour/ Farmer’s Wife) saying:

Where the f&%^ is our massage on the deck? #weareonthewrongfarm

Damn straight Mrs B! As Lachie gets a foot massage in his white robe, Kelly exclaims that ‘if this is a good representation of farm life, then she can handle this.’ Refer to the text above Kel. All this as Lachie snorts.

Jedd:

More oyster shucking. *yawn*. This is all so boring, we get a bunch of flashbacks to when Jedd was so nervous he made a real larrikin of himself. Back when we actually had something to talk about…

Jedd takes Nicole (WTF? Who is this woman – and has she even been there before today??) on a date. They discuss the ‘vibe’ of Newcastle and how would she feel about being pregnant… She is gone for sure.

It’s Time To Go:

Adam:

After a quick speech about how they are all strong women, Adam allows the three girls to have their last words. It reminds me of that scene in Bridesmaids where the two main Bridesmaids compete for who is the favourite friend in an epic ‘speech off’ that ends in ‘keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me… for sure. That’s what friends are for!” It truly feels like this is about to happen!

Alas, Christine must leave. She is sad, and not letting Adam off easily. No surprises.

Julz:

After GI Megan refers to Julz as being a ‘good bloke’ it is clear that she is also in the friend zone. After a speech of “moment of truth and inevitability”, the girls give a collective speech of “we think this and we feel that” and it is clear that they have actually started morphing into the one girl. And even though there is no I (or we) in TEAM, it’s time to go Megan. Alex is relieved that she didn’t have to leave. Can everyone say “third wheel”??? Melanie has this in the bag.

URGH!!! Channel 9 are PUMPING through the ads tonight. A bunch of airline and car ads. But a missed opportunity for Toyota – the official bush vehicle. Maybe next year fellas?

Jedd:

Still nothing. To be fair, they are probably going hard talking about how much they all love Game of Thrones, but as it’s not a Ch 9 show, they can’t air any of it. #sorrynotsorry

Jedd asks Nicole to leave, but I’m not sad. I didn’t even know she was there to begin with.

Matt:

Our helicopter pilot is on the verge of tears. This is affecting him the most. Apparently intellectual conversations aren’t what he is chasing, and Amelia is asked to leave. She is shocked. But at 22 years of age, I suspect she will get over this.

Lots of clichés are being bandied around…

“Going to keep on keeping on”, and “What will be will be”.

NEXT WEEK:

Family meetings! YAYYYY! This is always gold. I’m so excited about this… and seeing Lance and his two sister wives who have started dressing all matchy-matchy after this week.

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How Times Have Changed!

How Times Have Changed

It doesn’t matter if you live in the city or in the country, there is always going to be an element of change once you settle down, marry and have kids. And (as I have written about before) I am all about embracing change. In just a few phrases I can neatly summarise how far I have come in that time (that aren’t topics I have already covered in previous pieces).

1. Snakebite:

                      NOW – An actual injury resulting in contact by a reptile with another living creature (presumably a human being) that sends shivers down the spine of all Australians, but especially those of us Australians living in an area inhabited by King Brown snakes.  
                      THEN – a well-priced beverage comprising of a delicious mixture of beer and 
coke that was regularly consumed in a poorly lit bar in the city, usually on Thursday Student Nights.

2. Dancing:   

                      NOW – something I do civilly at either weddings (or as I am cleaning the house). Usually I hope people aren’t watching me, but mostly I know that they aren’t.
                      THEN – something I only ever attempted after consuming multiple snakebites (see above), and usually only ever on a stage or table at above mentioned poorly lit bar.

3. TV Shows I watch:

                      NOW – ABC news, Landline, The Batchelor. Shows that are informative and educational. (And also light relief from the seriousness of other shows often seen on the ABC and SBS – both of which I love).
                      THEN – I honestly didn’t know that the ABC or SBS existed for any other purpose than playing kids shows.

4. Rain:

                      NOW – My whole life revolves around if and when it arrives, and in what amount. It is the life blood of everything in my life. I run outside to check the rain gauge in order to complete our rainfall charts we compile.
                      THEN – The rain only ever affected what outfit I was wearing, and how I would need to do my hair. I used to sit on the verandah and marvel at it during the summer storms when I was at university.

5. Conversations:

                       NOW – Almost all are weather related, or contain a small part involving weather. I can’t recall a single day of my new life where weather conversations don’t play any part at all.
                       THEN – I can’t recall a conversation about the weather where I wasn’t complaining that it was too hot, too cold, too wet etc.


When I think about my city life, I am often amazed at the 180 degrees that I have spun over the last twelve years, and at how well I have adjusted.
Do you have anything you would add to the list? Let us know.