How To Catch A Farmer

There is a strange phenomenon going on at the moment. City girls chasing country boys. I don't really get it, but it's certainly not for me to judge. If you haven't already read my blog "The Farmer Probably Just Wants a Shag" (and even if you have), then stay tuned. I'm not saying DON'T go looking for country boys - lets's face it, they are fit, cute, hard working, strong, quiet types - I'm just saying, make sure you read the fine print first.

I'm no expert. But I bagged a farmer and I wasn't even trying. Today this came to my attention. It's the latest blog by BushBelles, and it gives information about an event planning agency taking city girls out west to meet nice country boys. Please do yourself a favour single ladies, and check it out. There's also links in there with web pages and facebook pages to explain it all.

So if it's a farmer you are chasing... let me share with you what ten years of being around farmers has taught me.

CP is going to kill me for uploading this. But this is the handsome guy I fell in love with. Nawwwww!

These are generalisations, and certainly some farmers fall outside of the mould. But this is just what I have observed.

1. Many farmers AREN'T looking for another farm worker. Sure, it will be handy if you are the kind of woman who will pitch in. The kind of woman who will have a go. (And in fact, there are also farmers who really could use an extra set of hands on the farm, but I always argue that that is what the internet is for). But if you think that by slugging your guts out in the paddock in a tractor, or sticking your arm up the backside of a cow, he is going to be completely bowled over by you, then think again. Here's a little secret ladies... if you DO get out and do all those things, he's STILL going to expect you to go inside and cook him an awesome and nutritious meal as well. Which leads me directly to number 2.

2. Save yourself the effort and just stick to the kitchen if you want to fast track your way to a farmer's heart.
I'm not saying that every farmer's wife has to be the epitome of the 1950's housewife. I am far from that myself. But I'm just saying you don't have to put in a hard day in the paddock AND the kitchen to bag a farmer. The kitchen will be enough to do the trick. I should add, that if you are multi-skilled and can manage both quite easily, then go right ahead... but be aware that once your farmer realises you have talents in both fields, he will milk you for it at every possible future opportunity. And trust me when I say he won't return the favour in the kitchen. Every farmer loves a woman who can cook. Don't worry ladies if you are a fizzer in the kitchen. Your farmer will appreciate any kind of effort.

3. Make an effort to look nice, but be practical.
When I watch 'Farmer Wants a Wife' and see the ladies all rolling up in low cut dresses made of synthetic materials, exposing their navels to Australia and beyond; all the while tottering precariously on a set of stilletos, and brandishing two inch long fake nails... I kind of cringe. Don't get me wrong... I love my heels, my synthetic materials and fake nails as much as the next person, but there is a time and a place. Flannel is good - it has its place. Outside, in the sheep/cattle yards, on your bed in the winter etc. But wear what you are comfortable in, not what will make your boobs bigger than the next girls. Remember if it's a husband you want, you'll need more than nice cleavage to get to any milestones. If it's a shag you want, then showing your navel and boobs off will probably give you a headstart. When it comes to meeting his parents, natural fibres are always nice. (Incidentally, I didn't wear natural fibres, and I am constantly reminded of the impracticality of synthetics. But that's not my point). If you are meeting a farmer for the first time, he won't even be looking at your hair and nails. (Unless he is Farmer Charles from the last season... odd). He will be looking at your face, (and your boobs, but he's only human), and be trying not to make a complete an utter fool of himself throughout the conversation. Which leads me to number 4.

4. Have a few conversation starters planned.
Most farmers I know aren't the best conversationalists. Once you get to know them and they are comfortable with you, this is no longer an issue, but odds are on that your farmer will be even more shy and nervous than you are. So have a few little 'tid bits' handy to fill in the gaps. And here is my HOT TIP of the day.... make sure you know a little bit about the weather. It also helps if you have kind of done enough research to know about the weather in the location your farmer lives. If you initiate a conversation about the weather, the farmer will be temporarily blind sided, and then feel comfortble enough to launch into a 3 hour + spiel about farming and the climate and the weather itself. If you are still awake at the end of the 3 hours, you will know that you and your farmer will live happily ever after.

5. Be yourself.
Don't ever pretend to be a farmers wife before you actually are. You'll find that the farmer is so blown away by female attention, and will be naturally chuffed that he found someone so completely outside of his own gene pool, that he will just be loving you for YOU. Don't pretend to be a domestic goddess if in fact you aren't.  Don't pretend you like animals if you don't, don't think you need to be able to ride a horse if you can't. It will come back to bite you in the end. This is actually the most important point. If you can't be yourself, warts and all, you'll only be setting yourself up for disappointment. The night I met CP I had no intentions of ever hooking up with him. I had plans to go travelling (as did he) and it was nice to 'talk shop' with somebody else. There was no pressure.


6. First impressions count. And you only get one chance at it.
The night I met CP, I was wearing a tight fitting 3/4 length green and white top, navy blue fitted jeans and white skater sneakers. I know this because CP remembers it vividly. I remember what CP was wearing too. White footy training short, and a red footy shirt, white and red knee length socks with navy blue NIKE sandals. He needed a hair cut badly. But we spoke about traveling, and I was thoroughly impressed by how much he had done. Even more than that, we both walked away from the night thinking what a nice person the other one was, even though there were no dating plans on the cards at all.




Only picture of me in above mentioned green shirt (not very farm like at all)... still early days back then...

7. Laugh!
There is so much to be serious about these days. Especially where farms are concerned. And it's true that if you ARE having a good time, it will show in your face, and people are drawn to that. People want to surround themselves with people who make them feel good. Laugh and your farmer will laugh with you. And have fun. The farmer you are chasing might not be in Wagga Wagga or Tamworth. So perservere, and have a ball in the process!

A quick footnote!
 I just asked CP what he thinks is the most important quality in a potential wife, and he said “someone who fits in – not a square peg in a round hole”. I then asked how I made the cut, as I was most definitely a square peg in a round hole. CP responded with, “I guess desperation does funny things to a person…”

Typical CP response…

Good luck ladies! Apparently even desperation will be enough… but hopefully you bag yourself something a little more substantial than that!

A Farmer, A Wife, The Media

Today I was on my facebook page when an advertisement came up on the side of the page telling me I could meet a 'faithful Christian man', and the accompanying photo was this:

Of course, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that even if I WAS looking for above mentioned Christian man, (which I most definitely am not), I'm probably NOT going to be able to get in touch with this one (who probably isn't Christian anyway, but got paid for his modelling time regardless). But gee he looks nice in the picture. And if I was single, and lacking a little in the brain side of things, I could easily be duped into thinking this guy might want to be my pen pal and eventually we will get married and have loads of babies. Or not...

But it got me thinking about the way that media makes us think we can have what we almost certainly cannot.

Farmer Wants A Wife (the television show that essentially got my blog kick started - check out my first ever blog for a refresher at Farmer Probably Just Wants a Shag) returns to our screens Wednesdays at 8:30pm, on Channel 9. Hundreds, if not thousands, of single women from around the country will apply to find themselves a Marlborough -type man like this...

Except he's happily married to a beautiful woman. With three gorgeous children. (It's no secret that I am, even to this day, still physically attracted to my husband, and as such, like to shamelessly promote him).

So maybe someone like this then...

But wait - that's Farmer Scott from Mungindi, not far from here, who featured two seasons ago (on Farmer Wants a Wife); THE most popular applicant EVER, with over 500 (or was it 1000?) applications.

Oh, and he's taken now too.

Looks like he and Clare (who he picked as his 'potential wife' on the show) worked out after all. And good for them. Welcome to the fold, Clare.

ANYWAY... single ladies, this 'type' of guy will be put out on display for women everywhere to fawn over. On paper he will look like a demi-God. A multi-generational farmer, who presumably works for himself. All this and more is his (and could be yours) if you make the final cut. If you make the final 3, you will be lucky enough to spend time with him at the farm. Have a look and see if 'Mungindi' is actually the town of your dreams. If you are really lucky, you will be the girl of 'farmers' dreams, and be able to date without cameras etc. in your face to see if you've got what it takes to make it as a couple. And if you can survive the isolation.

Applicants will have read that farmer X lives 500km from major city Y. Do city folk even know how far 500km really is? I mean REALLY? You hear that Cyclone Yasi is 500km in diameter and you freak out because it is so big that it makes Australia look small, but would you drive that far to watch a movie? Or do a cheaper grocery shop? Or get your hair done by a hair dresser who you can afford? Or go to a dentist? Because that's what you're signing up to when you go on a show like that. It's not all country dances and shirts with collars up, and girls wearing pearl necklaces.

What you see on this show is often a farmer with a lot of spare time on his hands. A farmer who likes to sit out on a picnic blanket overlooking a picturesque dam, or organise for a flat screen television to be set up on the back of a ute, so you can watch movies under the stars. The reality is that once the cameras stop, so does much of that behaviour. You will see him between the (summer) hours of 6:30pm (but often later) and 4:30am. This is all well and good when you are dating, but once you are married with kids, these are also (conveniently) the hours that sit outside of 'the witching hour' with the kids, all major meals, and they also consume most of your intended sleep time. This leaves you and your farmer approximately 1/2 an hour to say hi, kiss each other goodnight and then shower and get to bed.

What you won't see on the show are the seven extra siblings (and your in laws) who also live and work on the farm. You'll need to learn how to *change a tyre in case the one on the car you are driving on the white rock road goes flat and no one is there to help you. (* This is not the case with me. I don't expect to ever be able to change a tyre, so clearly this part of my blog is exaggerated for entertainment purposes only). You also won't see arguments about money and travel and school. All that comes later. So do the realisations of things such as:
- Your farmer doesn't shut doors, to ANYTHING. Cars, cupboards, rooms, windows. They will be left open all or much of the time.
- Your farmer will probably stop cooking meals for you shortly after you are married, and definitely before you have kids. Even if he swore black and blue that he would always cook for you. This excludes BBQs, which he will happily cook meat for you in front of your friends and neighbours, and then take full credit for the success of the meal, even though you will have slugged your guts out over salads and accompaniments for the 3 hours leading up to the BBQ.
- Your farmer will insist that there are inside jobs and outside jobs. This is not an even competition.

This is all assuming you don't work on the farm with your farmer hubby. Some women do. And kudos to them. One day I might take more of an interest. But with 3 small children, it's just not something I can even entertain at the moment. It looks like 'Almost Farmers Wife Clare' helps Farmer Scott out on the farm. (According to Womans Day, which as we all know is not known for it's excellent and accurate reporting). According to this fantastic source, Clare and Scott have gone into business together! Read: Clare actually helps Scott on the farm (possibly driving tractors etc. but also by cooking for him and joining him on trips to town to buy replacement parts). In all fairness to farmers wives (and in fact any wives anywhere) could any hard working husband survive without a wife who cooks and cleans for him? Well done Womans Day for letting me know that CP and I have gone into business together... the business of surviving on a farm.

Over the next few weeks I'll be watching the new season of Farmer Wants A Wife. I want them all to find true love if that's what they are after, and heaven knows I want to see the farmers happy. Especially this one. He's not on the show, but I think he could give Farmer Scott a run for his money in the popularity stakes.

It's my brother in law.  He's single-ish (I never can keep up), a pilot, miner, multi talented, all round nice guy. And best man at Scott and Clare's wedding. And he's a bit on the cute side.

Interested parties can apply within. :)

The Farmer Probably Just Wants a Shag...

Attention ladies who might ever have contemplated hooking up with a farmer!

A word from the wise. I married a farmer seven years ago. That was after accepting a teaching post in a remote area of Australia, vowing and declaring I would NEVER EVER EVER marry a farmer. Especially one who wore a cowboy hat, RM Williams boots and clothes, drove a ute, had ever attended a B and S, and who chewed grass. Incidentally, my husband is all of the above.

Prior to getting married, I used to tag along on the back of hubby's motorbike (the wind whistling through my hair, arms tucked snugly around his waist) and dream about how we would be like this forever. Acreage for as far as the eye could see. Sheep and cattle and kangaroos and emus, dotted intermittently across the countryside. It was, of course, very romantic. What I didn't realise at the time, however, was that my hormones were playing tricks on me. Those pesky little pheromones spinning throughout my body and clouding rational thought.

After being married for seven years, I find myself practically begging hubby to take at least one of the kids out on the bike with him, and to take his time coming home! Our lives have become (at times) a mish-mash of overlapping schedules, that directly relate to the amount of precipitation in the air and the availability of man power at any given time. With three children we find ourselves "high fiving" each other on crossover between dropping kids at the bus (20km away) and heading out to fix fences or pull stock who have become stranded in a dried up dam.

When I watch "Farmer Wants a Wife" and hear such gems as "of course I can see myself living on a farm..." and "I just adore horses!" all spurted from the mouth of a wildly attractive woman wearing completely impractical heels and a strapless mini-dress, and a months worth of makeup in one sitting. What these women don't realise is that there is every possibility that the men they are chasing on this fantastical program really only want a shag. There is a good chance it has been a while between drinks, so to speak, given the far-flung areas of Australia these blokes seem to spring from. (And PS: An hour out of Melbourne is NOT remote.) 

In the first few episodes we watch the awkward moments where potential romance is blossoming. Where people say and do the most absurd things in the name of bagging a beauty. 

The cynic in me thinks that while the farmers are soaking up the physical aspects of a potential mate, they are also hoping to get some 'vibe' from the lovely lady as to whether or not she will also be able to cook and clean for him, iron his shirt the same way his mother does, get up at the crack of dawn to prepare a cooked breakfast, and organise smoko, as well as head out and put in a good 10 hours of work with him. 

The female is presumably hoping to find a "Marlborough type man" who will care for her and protect her (and maybe let her ride horses on a whim). When in fact she should be asking to read a copy of the succession plan his family has firmly in place, so that they can discuss their future on equal footing. Because when she actually gets to the part where they might actually get married, the woman should be fully prepared for the fact that when you marry the farmer, you actually marry his whole family.

And this is no joke. There is every chance, ladies, your in-laws will live within walking distance of your house, and certainly close enough to hear you argue, and watch how many days you leave your clothes on the line for. If you are lucky, you will strike in-laws who respect your privacy and leave you be in your new relationship. If you are not so lucky, you can expect 3 or even 4 people in you marriage, as opposed to the 2 you thought you were getting. If it's rolling green hills,and acres of pasture you are after, then think again. My husband asked me to marry him as we sat overlooking the empty house dam. If it's being "the master /mistress of your own domain" you are after, then think again. "Family property" means exactly that. If it's a small, tight knit community lifestyle that you are striving for, then remember you will never be a local. You will be called an acre-chaser and hectare hunter by wary local girls. And then after you have served your time, you will eventually be married and have kids, at which point the whole community will welcome you with open (albeit cautious) arms.

It's not all bad though. I mean I have a great life. A hard life, but a good life. We both work hard doing our own things. We really do depend on the weather to guide us in how we plan our days,week and months. Our children grow up in the most amazing circumstances. You see things you never thought you would ever see. You open your eyes.

I think the point I am trying to make, is that being married to a farmer is not all beer and skittles. Sure, I am (mostly) very happily married. One day I will write more blogs on the nuts and bolts of all of that. But if it's McLeods Daughters you think you are signing up for, then think again, in reality it's probably closer to The Beverley Hillbillies. (But hopefully without the Hillbillies).

But if a farmer is really what you want; what you know you need; then don't let a cynical old farmers wife like me try to steer you away. Because god knows we need new blood. And if a crusty old city slicker like myself can make herself at home in the country, than why can't anyone else? 

Oh, and "never say never" if you think that life on a farm is definitely not for you. Look where it got me?