FWAW RECAP EPISODE 3 - Cry me a river girls...

Still annoyed that I am up this late to even watch this. Last week my internal clock was thrown for at least two days after staying up to recap, and I was not happy Channel 9, but lo and behold! Channel 9 have answered my silent prayers and offered up a one hour episode as a tribute instead! Whoop-de-freaking-doo!!!

Sam starts by informing us that 'farmers know how to have fun' (presumably by spraying fields, doing cattle work, and checking for eggs with your three girlfriends - as the montage suggests).

Soooo...

Farmers Know How To Have Fun:

Julz -  Having fun means having to leave the farm. And nothing says 'fun' like riding a Segway through grassy fields. Clearly this was the stupid idea of a Producer who has never been on a farm before. One of the girls says she loves adventure and has even been sky diving, but clearly none of that is in the budget... so segways it is.

After the most boring fun day ever. Julz backs it up with a one on one with Alex, as they feed birds together. Yawn. I want my 5 minutes of my life back again.

Still pretty sure that he 'gels' with G.I. Megan, he takes her on a jetty walk whilst the other two girls hurl visual daggers at them while they are gone. I can't help but wonder if life with Megan would be all Von Trapps 2.0. Whistles and marching to keep things in order.

Adam -  He's also taking his girls off farm. And this is pretty much how it rolls on a farm. Unless your idea of fun is fencing and rolling out pipe and mustering. Adam is treating his girlfriends to... wait... what?

COOKING CLASSES?!?!
Jeezus.

What's better than one wifey in the kitchen? THREE wifeys in the kitchen of course! Nothing like finding out who will make the perfect wife, than by setting up a tortellini making session. Hopefully they also show the girls how to put out slippers and light Adam's pipe before he gets home from work as well...

Hayley is freaking out and crying and frankly, I would be too.

The conversation turns to "what love means" and Adam tells the girls that "the more people in your life to love, the better." Presumably he is referring to wanting to keep all three girls in a harem. And they are all lapping it up.

As it turns out, Hayley doesn't just cook, she cleans too. For that, she is rewarded with extra one on one time, while the two other girls just hang outside together... just you know... loitering, I suppose. Adam fesses up about how hard it is to date three girls. Poor Adam. #firstworldproblems

Jedd - After overcoming his painful awkwardness, he's now all about the hugs. He's taken Kerry the photographer on a 'date' and pretty much all she does is take pictures of his dog, Gregory.

Next up he takes the girls to a winery. Some discussion about 'soul mates' and 'having babies'. Really, just a casual discussion between you, your boyfriend, and his other two girlfriends about copulation ending in procreation to make you want to drink faster. Sam manages to con him into some one on one time to discuss this soul mate thing a little more.

Jedd is apparently showing his serious side. Jedd and Sam kiss.

Matt - Nothing says having fun like unloading a cattle truck. (Sounds a bit like Valentine's Day around here). Amelia comments on how she 'loves trucks because she has seen them on the highway. Hmmm. And I can't remember anything else because I'm still stuck on how April is a 'Brand Ambassador'. If you know this girl, please get her in touch with me. I need to know what this is and how I do it! For real!

Matt takes the girls out to a nice spot at the river. I start to wonder if this is like a Darwin's test of 'survival of the fittest' or whatever it is... Maybe he thinks a croc will come and take one of the girls so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and do it himself. Thankfully, there are no crocs, and everyone lives to see another three-way date. It appears that Matt and Gabby already have his and hers "story tattoos" on their chests, so Matt rewards her with some one on one time as a result.

Gabby starts crying almost immediately. In my experience, this IS the best way to make the farmer kiss you. This only works until you are married though, and after that you are 'about to get your period' or 'need to calm the f&^% down.' Whatever. Matt buys it hook, line and sinker, and they KISSSSSS!

Lachie - He's having some fun by getting the girls to glam up for the races. To be fair, if I put myself into the girls shoes, this would be my idea of fun too. Drinking and dressing up. Woohoo! Lachie has brought along all of his mates (not a bad idea given his last foray into dating ended in marriage at first sight)... Lots of discussion about 'chemistry' and 'connections'. We meet 'Cousin Stu' who has put his dibs in already... Jess (from last week's awkward date) isn't feeling the love. But she IS thinking about thinking...

Kelly and Belinda are the clear front runners here and poor Jess is just left to drown her sorrows up in the friend zone. Cousin Stu says to Lachie "You don't rush into things traditionally." Um really? I beg to differ. At this point in time that's EXACTLY what his tombstone would say...

"Here lies Lachie... who rushed into things."

"Married at first sight" anyone? Backed up with another rushed appearance on FWAW... sheesh.

Lance - He's taken the girls to a Rodeo! These girls are all over him. Something has got to give. You can't be this happy with your sister wives for this long without something breaking... There is lots of denim, big hats and big Robert - Lance's friend.

It's Rob's job to teach the girls about opening and closing gates, and there is a big part of me that wants to take the piss out of him pretending that this is such an important job, until I remember how much gates suck, and that this could possibly be the most important thing they'll ever learn on the farm. The short haired lady says she doesn't know what she would do with "something big and wild between her legs" (dodgy reference to bull riding) but we know she is lying. She knows EXACTLY what she would do...

On cue, Lance appears on a horse, and all I can think of is the "Old Spice" guy ("I'm on a horse") and so from this point onwards I shall refer to Lance as Old Spice.

As the girls marvel at the rodeo (read: a few guys roped in to riding bulls for the camera, and not a real rodeo) I remember my first ever rodeo. And it IS actually pretty exciting. Even so, Karen is still about to crack. So help me god, if there are even more tears I may have to write to Channel 9 and tell them to tone it down.

Old Spice - Still speaking in third person... "She was exactly what Lancey was looking for." Ummm, Old Spice, you can leave that narrating your own story out of this thank you. Miss Sammy Mac is doing a fine job on her own. Apparently the third person chit chat is contagious. Karen does it now too. "Time to focus on Karen now."

Lachie (again) - Jess gives Lachie her best "it's not you, it's me" speech. She runs walks away and says her goodbyes and leaves.
#dodgedabullet
#bestisyettocome
#cmon

On the whole, my Farmer was more impressed with the slasher and tractor on the ads than any part of tonight's episode.

NEXT WEEK... (and praise be to the gods that this was only one episode!)

Claws are out, mud baths, and the PG rating becomes M15 with all of that 'heating up' we are led to believe will be something more than a kiss.

Over and out.

PS. If you liked this, please share it with a friend. x

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 1 - Meet the Farmers

Episode 1: Farmer Lachie and 5 Other Guys Try to Find a Wife…

*Photo credit - Channel 9 webpages

The first episode opens with lots of meaningful big-hatted silhouettes against bright orange sunsets, and some of the most Australian accents you will find on free to air television.

Farmer ‘Lachie’ (formally Lachlan of ‘Married At First Sight’ fame) has been given more starts than Pharlap, and if he can’t get a wife after this, then who can? Really?

Sam McClymont graces our screen as our lovely host.

So much cuter in jeans and boots! x

Two things.

1.      Yay for having a host who ‘gets’ the 'country'. Or at least sings like she understands.

2.      And whoop-de-doo praise be to Uluru that we have gone back to the Original FWAW format! I wasn’t sure I could endure another season of girls grinding up against stripper poles and plying themselves with alcohol in the bid to bag a guy. That was not what finding a Farmer was about at all… that’s what Saturday nights at the Down Under Bar in Brisbane 20 years ago were for… I digress.

We meet our farmers.

First up is ‘Red Hot Cattle Musterer Matt’ (aka Helicopter Hottie Matt). Matt hails from 1500km away from Perth. At 25 he is the youngest farmer this year. Matt has a ripped body that comes from boxing and wrestling in his hangar. But let’s face it, looks aren’t everything… having a chopper pilot’s licence is basically a licence to date chicks. Except that there are none 1500km from Perth. Apparently. So he’s chasing his ‘special someone’. Matt has the biggest smile ever. Chicks are gonna go wild over that I’m sure.

Next up is ‘True Country Kid Adam’ (aka Cutie Adam). Adam is also 25, from a dairy farm in Gippsland, Vic. and spontaneously bursts into fits of nervous giggles. His place is so green you’ll need shades to view it properly through your tv screens.

More silhouettes and guitar solos…

Single Dad Julez (with a Z) is from Tumby in SA. There’s lots of throwing around the word ‘ROWDY’. He has a 7 year old daughter, River, and straight up calls out his lack of romance as being what is letting him down. Seriously. An unromantic farmer. Mind. Blown.

Cowboy Lance is up next, and woah!!! What the what?! He loves hands on moments, cuddles and kisses and totally reminds us that ‘touchy feely’ is not dead in the bush after all. He’s from Rockhampton QLD (my old stomping ground) and he’s all big hats and buckles. He wants love so badly, but I can’t help but wonder if his dreams of jeans and a collar in the day and a nice dress at night (presumably as she cooks him dinner after a long day in the kitchen) are setting feminism back a few years…

Sensitive Soul Jedd (aka the most nervous man in Australia) is from Coffin Bay SA. He’s an oyster farmer, and I can’t help but wonder that if he could actually bag a nice girl, he should have no problem in the romance department. Nothing but oysters as far as the eye can see… Jedd is 37, is a bit "Mark Darcy" from Bridget Jones, and looks like he is always about to wet himself. Poor thing.

Farmer Lachie (so much more laid back now that he doesn’t actually have to marry any of these girls today) is from Camden NSW. We are told repeatedly that this is his second chance, and there are loads of downward glances and shots of him patting the pocket pup sitting beside him. He calls himself ‘desperate’. Also - and let's address the big elephant in the room - there's that whole 'thing' about him selling his farm and not even being a farmer anymore. Semantics. This is tv. I mean, what could go wrong?

Sam reminds us of the process: 8 ladies have been hand selected by each of the Bachelors Farmers based on their online applications. So 48 gorgeous girls all arrive in a bus. Each Farmer can only keep 4. We are reminded of the success rate of this show. So many marriages, babies, relationships etc… *waves to Clare and Scott*.

These Farmers are all looking for ‘true modern romance’ and nothing says romance like a 5 minute speed date. Except for maybe 'swiping left'… ugh. The speed dates are a mish-mash of awkward gifts and conversations, with one girl even exclaiming she wants a good mate she can shag. Noice!

Jedd is literally crapping himself. Some of his pearlers were “are your family just family?” And “what are your goals?” Poor muffin. Cue clown music. Can’t see a clear winner in any of his girls, but to be fair, it’s hard to see past his nerves.

Matt (helicopter hottie) is breezing it in. My picks for him are are Amelia the Law Student (love music playing is a dead giveaway). Her smile is as big as his and I can’t help but wonder if they had kids how cute their smiles would be.

Julez is the third of our #bushbachies. He is being laden with stubbie coolers, calls of ‘c’mon’ and he seems impressed until Megan (cue love music) dazzles him with her knowledge of weaponry as a result of her experience as a soldier. For the win!

Adam the dairy farmer is instantly smitten with Hayley in the yellow hat. She is gorgeous and speaks Farmish. She speaks of how she should be feeding her dad's dogs while he is away, and how she can’t wait to do a full butchery course in Tasmania. What the actual hell? This girl is Farmer’s Wife gold, and I want to take her home and marry her myself.

Lachie is being laden with a shoulder massage that requires saxophone music in the background. Because romance!

Cowboy Lance wants to hold everyone’s hands. This creeps me out but NONE of his women seem to mind. It’s the most bizarre thing. He says it’s the ‘humble’ thing to do, but yikes. My Farmer Charlie says it’s probably a long history and experience with Buckle Bunnies that’s given him his confidence.

So many hay bales… yawn. I much prefer it when they get the girls back to the farm.

I’ve been thinking about how my 5 minutes with Farmer Charlie would have sounded on a speed date.

Charlie: “Can you see yourself living on a farm?”

Me: “Ummm. No. Not in this life. Or any other life.”

*crickets*

Cowboy Lance is on fire. “How would you go running the farm for 4 days while I was away at a Campdraft?” “How would you go pulling a calf?” And “Can you cook?” Bloody hell…

Lorraine loves it though and love music plays. She cries. Oh god Lorraine. I would too.

More dates… love music and getting to know you chit-chat.

SELECTION TIME…

Country Cutie Adam chooses 3 girls I don’t even remember seeing, and Hayley with the yellow hat. No surprises. One girl announces that she has her gum boots ready and I hope that wherever she’s going is wet enough to warrant using them. On the other hand, gum boots are certainly more practical than an i-device, given the internet in rural areas of Australia!

Rowdy Julez chooses three girls I don’t recognise,  and another girl, Amanda, who seems crazy enough  to make this good viewing!

Helicopter Hottie Matt chooses a girl in a red dress who was sweet called April and a bunch of other non-descript girls. Something I have learned about this show in the past though, is that the Producers have picked who they want the Farmers to choose, but sometimes they will choose someone else anyway. *Another wave to Clare and Scott*.

Deep thinker Jedd is so overwhelmed and chooses … wait. INTERRUPTION! One girl in black has just realised she doesn’t really like the competitive nature of REALITY TV and pulls out… SHOCK HORROR! Anyway… he chooses a bunch of girls who all have an equal chance of winning ending up with a Farmer. Everyone is happy.

Lachie chooses everyone except for a girl called Amalia who dreamed of sleepovers with Lachie and stares daggers at the chosen girls, and smiles through her gritted teeth.

Lance wants to take them all home. Ultimately he chooses 4 women with equal chances. It’s going to be a wild week in Rocky!

NEXT WEEK…

Cow poo, girls nearly getting naked, mud and big hats… bring on the farms!

---

A Farmer, A Wife, The Media

Today I was on my facebook page when an advertisement came up on the side of the page telling me I could meet a 'faithful Christian man', and the accompanying photo was this:

Of course, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that even if I WAS looking for above mentioned Christian man, (which I most definitely am not), I'm probably NOT going to be able to get in touch with this one (who probably isn't Christian anyway, but got paid for his modelling time regardless). But gee he looks nice in the picture. And if I was single, and lacking a little in the brain side of things, I could easily be duped into thinking this guy might want to be my pen pal and eventually we will get married and have loads of babies. Or not...

But it got me thinking about the way that media makes us think we can have what we almost certainly cannot.

Farmer Wants A Wife (the television show that essentially got my blog kick started - check out my first ever blog for a refresher at Farmer Probably Just Wants a Shag) returns to our screens Wednesdays at 8:30pm, on Channel 9. Hundreds, if not thousands, of single women from around the country will apply to find themselves a Marlborough -type man like this...

Except he's happily married to a beautiful woman. With three gorgeous children. (It's no secret that I am, even to this day, still physically attracted to my husband, and as such, like to shamelessly promote him).

So maybe someone like this then...

But wait - that's Farmer Scott from Mungindi, not far from here, who featured two seasons ago (on Farmer Wants a Wife); THE most popular applicant EVER, with over 500 (or was it 1000?) applications.

Oh, and he's taken now too.

Looks like he and Clare (who he picked as his 'potential wife' on the show) worked out after all. And good for them. Welcome to the fold, Clare.

ANYWAY... single ladies, this 'type' of guy will be put out on display for women everywhere to fawn over. On paper he will look like a demi-God. A multi-generational farmer, who presumably works for himself. All this and more is his (and could be yours) if you make the final cut. If you make the final 3, you will be lucky enough to spend time with him at the farm. Have a look and see if 'Mungindi' is actually the town of your dreams. If you are really lucky, you will be the girl of 'farmers' dreams, and be able to date without cameras etc. in your face to see if you've got what it takes to make it as a couple. And if you can survive the isolation.

Applicants will have read that farmer X lives 500km from major city Y. Do city folk even know how far 500km really is? I mean REALLY? You hear that Cyclone Yasi is 500km in diameter and you freak out because it is so big that it makes Australia look small, but would you drive that far to watch a movie? Or do a cheaper grocery shop? Or get your hair done by a hair dresser who you can afford? Or go to a dentist? Because that's what you're signing up to when you go on a show like that. It's not all country dances and shirts with collars up, and girls wearing pearl necklaces.

What you see on this show is often a farmer with a lot of spare time on his hands. A farmer who likes to sit out on a picnic blanket overlooking a picturesque dam, or organise for a flat screen television to be set up on the back of a ute, so you can watch movies under the stars. The reality is that once the cameras stop, so does much of that behaviour. You will see him between the (summer) hours of 6:30pm (but often later) and 4:30am. This is all well and good when you are dating, but once you are married with kids, these are also (conveniently) the hours that sit outside of 'the witching hour' with the kids, all major meals, and they also consume most of your intended sleep time. This leaves you and your farmer approximately 1/2 an hour to say hi, kiss each other goodnight and then shower and get to bed.

What you won't see on the show are the seven extra siblings (and your in laws) who also live and work on the farm. You'll need to learn how to *change a tyre in case the one on the car you are driving on the white rock road goes flat and no one is there to help you. (* This is not the case with me. I don't expect to ever be able to change a tyre, so clearly this part of my blog is exaggerated for entertainment purposes only). You also won't see arguments about money and travel and school. All that comes later. So do the realisations of things such as:
- Your farmer doesn't shut doors, to ANYTHING. Cars, cupboards, rooms, windows. They will be left open all or much of the time.
- Your farmer will probably stop cooking meals for you shortly after you are married, and definitely before you have kids. Even if he swore black and blue that he would always cook for you. This excludes BBQs, which he will happily cook meat for you in front of your friends and neighbours, and then take full credit for the success of the meal, even though you will have slugged your guts out over salads and accompaniments for the 3 hours leading up to the BBQ.
- Your farmer will insist that there are inside jobs and outside jobs. This is not an even competition.

This is all assuming you don't work on the farm with your farmer hubby. Some women do. And kudos to them. One day I might take more of an interest. But with 3 small children, it's just not something I can even entertain at the moment. It looks like 'Almost Farmers Wife Clare' helps Farmer Scott out on the farm. (According to Womans Day, which as we all know is not known for it's excellent and accurate reporting). According to this fantastic source, Clare and Scott have gone into business together! Read: Clare actually helps Scott on the farm (possibly driving tractors etc. but also by cooking for him and joining him on trips to town to buy replacement parts). In all fairness to farmers wives (and in fact any wives anywhere) could any hard working husband survive without a wife who cooks and cleans for him? Well done Womans Day for letting me know that CP and I have gone into business together... the business of surviving on a farm.

Over the next few weeks I'll be watching the new season of Farmer Wants A Wife. I want them all to find true love if that's what they are after, and heaven knows I want to see the farmers happy. Especially this one. He's not on the show, but I think he could give Farmer Scott a run for his money in the popularity stakes.

It's my brother in law.  He's single-ish (I never can keep up), a pilot, miner, multi talented, all round nice guy. And best man at Scott and Clare's wedding. And he's a bit on the cute side.

Interested parties can apply within. :)