FWAW RECAP EPISODE 7 - Let's Finish This Fairytale Already

Episode 7 – Let’s Finish This Fairytale Already…

I’ve just been watching that kid Fletcher on Australia’s Got Talent as I wait for this season finale to end. I’m actually, seriously, bawling my eyes out… not just because this kid is AMAZING, but because I know my television standards are about to drop significantly in the next 5 minutes. Clearly I’m tired.

There’s no time to dwell on this though, as FWAW is starting – and THANK GOODNESS it only took us 7 episodes to get here! Woohoo!

Bring it on…

Sam talks about how over the last 10 years this show has helped some of the ‘loneliest on the land’ (debatable) find true love. She also makes reference to these 6 ELIGIBLE Bush bachies. Ugh. This makes me so cranky. Eligible HOW? Massive mortgages? Or living off their in laws? Or what? It’s a stereotype that infuriates me. C’mon Sam… you should’ve argued that one. You know better. Tut tut.

Ahhhh we've all come so far!

Last Morning on The Farm:

Lance: Still thinking. Oh god. This is going to be just as painful as I think it will be…

Adam: Needs more alone time… *yawn*

Matt: Gabby is a hot mess. Promo Model (ahhh… so that’s what a Brand Ambassador really is) Aprilis sad too. Both girls cry on their drive back to… well… wherever. Matt is left contemplating life on the farm with no girls.

Jedd: He’s ‘keeping his emotion down’. Jedd has come such a long way. There is discussion about his ‘first favourite’ Sam (so what does that made photographer Kerry? Second favourite?) GASP – Kerry is unsure of her feelings though. This is obviously some editing code for something… but I am too tired to give a shit figure it out.

Julz: He has a fave – Mel. Alex is the good sport third wheel who stands idly by as Julz and Mel have a long and painfully sweet goodbye. Alex declares that Julz is batting above his average. Lots of ‘L word’ and kisses.

Girls are Gone:

The boys all have a week to decide who is their happily ever after.

Let’s Finish This Fairytale:

We head straight into the reunion in the Hunter Valley. This is all happening a month later. There’s lots of beer and cheers and… Lachie… who is still on this show too. Apparently. Sam enters and takes…

Julz: Sam starts by asking what Julz was hoping to get out of this experience? And Julz answers by giving the Donald Trump answer to ‘a wife’. We flash to the city break and see that Mel lives by the sea. Well done mate. Holidays at the coast from now until eternity. There’s lots of feel good tv. Kissing and butterflies and love. It’s ‘the start of something amazing.’ Sam asks to bring her out…

Mel emerges resplendent in pink. They kiss and poor Sam realises she is now the third wheel. Lots of love and then Julz can now go brag to the boys that he is a winner.

The cuteness!

Jedd: Sam asks about his date with Sam. Jedd says it was ‘amazing’, and then goes on to list all the amazing qualities about Kerry too. He decides to follow his heart, and so he chooses… (flash to city visit)…

KERRY??? WTF??? She is doing some kind of martial arts, and Jedd probably only chose her because he feared for his safety otherwise. They do some high tea date that is just awkward after awkward. My hot tip Jedd, is that if you have feelings for BOTH OF THEM at this stage, it probably isn’t going to work out. There is some awkward touching and then…

Sam asks if Jedd has invited anyone, and all of a sudden things become clearer… down the stairs comes SAM! Oh the sneaky sneaky shenanigans that go on behind the scenes at Channel 10.

Sam asks Sam how she feels about being chosen second Jedd meeting up with Kerry in the city, and Sam gives an answer not dissimilar to the one Louise gave to the press when Love Rat Blake Garvey ditched his first choice for her after the show on The Batchelor. Sam says she understands why he did it, and adds something about his cheeky sense of humour (followed by a lip rub – weird!). They say they enjoy each other’s company, and it looks like there is some real emotion there. Too early to tell for sure though.

Jedd with his first favourite...

Lachie: We are reminded again of his abysmal failure is all things dating in the past, but Lachie assures us that he is now closer to knowing what he needs. (Perhaps a vagina and a heartbeat?). He assures us that he has real chemistry with Belinda, and she is here… looking amazing too. They cozy up on the couch, and there is much ‘sense of humour’ and ‘chemistry’. Belinda says she loves the farm and is planning her next farm visit… unless it sells… right? (I know, I know… they are keeping the house and a tiny bit of land right?)

Jedd declares that Belinda is “bloody cool”. Nice one.

I'm still unconvinced... fingers crossed for Belinda though!

We are told that there is a SHOCK CONFESSION after the break that NO ONE SAW COMING… so it’s almost certainly going to be something else….

Lance: Talks about his overwhelming journey… boring boring… he chooses Lisa. She jumps all over him. He declares he is a mad salt man. And then….

LANCE DIDN’T BRING ANYONE HERE!

SHOCK HORROR!

Actually… Lisa IS there… but not on the couch.

We flash to earlier that day out in the vineyard. Lance confesses (only AFTER Lisa reminds him of her open heart) that he doesn’t have a full connection with her. He has no goosebumps. Lisa looks sad. She will live though…

I’m just not sure what Lance wants? At a guess I’d say he wants a rough around the edges worker who will keep him warm on those cold and lonely rodeo nights. He announces he is still looking for love.

The boys all insist that women will be knocking on his door.

Who could resist this face?

Okay….

Adam: Sam announces that Adam (although the baby of the bunch) has been the most sincere in his search for love. Yep. That cooking test was a true indicator of how life on the farm will really be. We get the pros and cons of Taryn and Hayley… He said life on the farm isn’t the same without his special someone. There is a slight avoidance of the ‘L word’.

We flash to Adam heading to a cool Sydney apartment to choose… HAYLEY!!! She has two dogs and they feel ‘cute’ together. They have never kissed before though, and Hayley declares that she wants to ‘start from the beginning and get to know each other all over again’ (clever girl). They kiss. They look very comfortable together, and I hope it works out for them.

Maybe Hayley will finally get around to that butchery course now!

Matt: This entire episode has been geared for this moment. Who did he choose? Gabby or April??? Gabby was ‘amazing’ and April (a tomboy in a beautiful package) ‘gets him’.

We flash to another area by the sea… and see… APRIL. She announces they are going to meet the family. There is skateboarding and a family gathering and Matt is lapping it up. They seem really at ease.

April walks down the stairs and there is loads of hand holding and cuddles. She is extremely comfortable around him and talks about how he ‘doesn’t realise how amazing he is’. Awww. Sweet.

                                       

Sam asks how this is going to work? They both admit they have spoken about it and now APRIL IS MOVING TO THE FARM NEXT WEEK! Wow… talk about moving along quickly. I guess when you know you know. I’d also imagine that leaving ‘Brand Ambassadorial-ship’ is easier than walking away from say, teaching. There is lots of love in the air. They throw the word around freely, and admit that they are confident this farmer has found a wife.

Their children will have amazing teeth!

THE END… sort of.

So apparently only three couples are still together. Any guesses on who it would be? Does anyone know? Who do you think? I’m going to say that Matt, Julz and Adam are still together with their ladies. Also - Ten bucks says Gabby was the one who spilled her guts to The Courier Mail today about broken hearts and ruined lives.

The McClymont Sister sing a song together and all the loved up couples dance and kiss.

THE END!

*drops mic and walks off*

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 6 - Hot Dates and Alliteration are Alive and Well

Episode 6 – Hot Dates and Alliteration are Alive and Well

Sam opens tonight’s penultimate episode with discussion about ‘our boys’, and a reminder of how the real prize here is true love, and not (actually) sponsorship, brand ambassadorial-ship, infamy etc.

The Most Romantic Day Yet

Adam:

His girls are both in PJs, and Taryn still looks better than me on a good day. Oh to be young again. Taryn says she’s hoping to hold hands with Adam soon. And as I’ve just learned what “Netflix and chill” ACTUALLY means, I’m wondering if “holding hands” is also code for something more sinister.

Dashing Dairy Farmer Adam (FFS with the alliteration already)is taking Taryn on the shag fest to a hot spring nearby. He says he’s never been before, and that doesn’t surprise me. What WOULD surprise me is if he was a regular there. There is the WORST POSSIBLE AWKWARD MOMENT EVER as Taryn goes in for a sexy spa kiss, and is rejected by Adam. She is gutted and embarrassed, and even asks him ‘when is a good time to kiss?’ (Eeeek). He says he doesn’t kiss on the first date. Awwww. Danger music plays and Adam adds cold water to the spa. Ouch.

After Taryn’s rejection, it is obvious that something needs to be done to rectify this. They drink bucket loads of wine, Taryn invites Adam back to her Villa, and they PASH… Taryn announces there was a ‘happy ending’. Noice.

Lachie:

Apparently he’s “shaken” after his altercation with Kelly. (And as an aside, Kelly is NOWHERE near as cranky at Lachie as the rest of Australia was after last week, which makes you wonder about the dodgy editing on this show. Mountain out of a mole hill anyone? I mean if that had been me last week, I would have reacted swiftly and violently… so maybe it was all a bang up after all?) I digress. Apparently she’s opened “old wounds” for him. Whatevs. He now has some clarity however, and as a result, cancels the remainder of his farm stay by booting BOTH girls from the farm. Wait, what??

Lance:

Lancey-boy (his words, not mine) is off to Great Keppel with Lisa, and I am so jealous of them both. That island is AMAZEBALLS. Lance is wearing the biggest hat ever on the boat over, and I’m wondering if I’d had the brains to wear a hat that big on the boat over, I could have saved myself a load of sunburn last time I went)… Susie is back home shovelling sheep s#!* (as you do… said no one ever). She is wondering if they are drinking cocktails over there…. YES… they are Susie. They definitely are…. Lance has probably had more than Lisa though, as he’s started speaking about himself in third person again. “Lancey-boy is not a paddle boarder.”

Susie is home going cray-cray. Talking to cockatoos and playing air guitar with a shovel.

Lancey-boy thanks Lisa for “coming on the show” (because this is all about tv, and not love right?). They do a lovely sunset cruise dating thing. Lance announces he is above ‘cloud 9’. Meanwhile, Susie laments the death of the sister-wives club. The writers outdo themselves with alliteration by making poor Sam spit out that “the sun has set on the smitten sweethearts”. Groan.

Matt:

Helicopter Hottie (and I SWEAR I am so happy this is all over next week, as the alliteration is really starting to do my head in), Matt, is taking April on the BIG date. It feels like it’s the sympathy vote. You know… I have this great connection with Gabby, but I’d better give you some time too”. Maybe I’m wrong, but I bet I’m not. There’s loads of kissing in some gorgeous hidden waterhole though, so Matt is getting his money’s worth out of this date.

Gabby is back home proving she can do hard work even without Matt, but I am thinking that if that was me, I’d be fixing to “watch Netflix and chill”… amiright? Hahaha There is lots of hand holding on separate swags under the stars.

Julz:

Still looking for a spark, which is a bit like finding a needle in a haystack apparently. Surprisingly, he takes Alex on the big date to a cute beach location, but they have as much chemistry as me and Maths A do. Melanie surely has this in the bag. Poor Alex.

Jedd:

No shock that he takes Sam on the hot date. They go to a Luxury Eco Lodge and get a massage. But wait… Jedd’s DOG is there too. Ummm I’m not really sure why Kerry who is still at home couldn’t be trusted to feed the dog? All that aside, they try to ‘get in the mood’. This means donning white robes, and sipping on sparkly wine. Because nothing says “we are so going to shag” than donning a white robe in a room you didn’t have to pay for. Sam gives Jedd the LURVE talk (you know… connections and electricity…etc.”) They kiss.

Jedd later says they shared a “vulnerable experience in front of the fire”, and as if that wasn’t enough, he follows it up with “Pandoras box opened, and he embraced the box.” I couldn’t make this shit up!

The Morning After The Night Before

Matt:

April is so touchy feely (arm strokes and fingers entwining) and there is still a lot of kissing. April announces about Matt that “150% this dude is the one.” hey discuss goals, ambitions, world peace and global fiscal policy (kidding). April talks about 1, 2, 3 kids. They reflect on their ‘unspoken bond’ (ie: Matt’s erection in the water hole presumably), and April cries happy tears.

After his date, Matt is wrestling with his feelings. He invited Gabby on a dinner, where they are waited on (presumably) one of Matt’s workmates, who has gone all out in one of his blue RB Sellars work shirts. He lurks suspiciously in the background as Gabby asks the tough questions. She cried a little and Matt tells her (nicely) not to.

Lance:

After the big hot island date, Lance and Lisa meet a frosty Susie at home. Completely oblivious to her pain, they don’t spare her any details, and annoy her with the facts. Lance stops short of asking her if she got all that s#!* shovelled while they were gone.

Adam:

Adam and Taryn start telling Hayley all about their hot date, and suspecting she might actually throw hot coffee on them for the effort, they back off a bit. Adam decides to take Hayley the ‘graphic designer/wannabe butcher’ on another date. Taryn relishes telling Hayley about the “HOT baths.”

Adam is clearly looking to pash Hayley on this date as well to even the score. He doesn’t really strike me as that kind of guy, but they are drinking whiskey, so who knows.

Taryn is at home eating three buckets of ice cream to drown her sorrows…

Julz:

Once home again, the spark between Julz and Mel is clear. He invites Mel on another date and even though Alex tries to throw her off by insisting that anything they do tonight will have nothing on what she has just had with him, Julz and Mel have the best date of the night.

There are sparks flying everywhere, hands being held and love confessions abound. I will be totally gutted if they don’t end up together.

Lachie:

Now that he has had his much needed time to think (ugh), he heads 900km away to find Belinda and give her some token flowers and discuss love. She seems smitten. Hope she is protecting her heart. X

Jedd:

Jedd takes Kerry out for a coffee and they mostly discuss Sam. He says he doesn’t know who he will choose, but the producers and editors are gearing this to look like it could be Sam.

NEXT TIME:

Yay for the season finale! The boys are heading to the city to pick their girls, and then we are back to the Hunter Valley to see who has won found love, and who is a tragic loser needs to go on another reality tv show to try again.

Stay tuned! Please share this with a friend if you enjoyed this! x

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 4 - Someone is going home

Someone Is Going Home

This week we have been promised that there would be not just ONE, but TWO of the most romantic dates we’ll EVER have seen. That shouldn’t be too hard, as I wouldn’t classify ANY of the dates I’ve ever been on as ‘the best date ever’, and I don’t make a habit of watching other people’s dates as a general rule…

We open with a 20 second montage of checked shirts, big hats and longing looks.

‘Elimination Day’ draws near:

The girls are spurting gems such as ‘this is home’ and of course the farmers are all ‘I don’t want to let anyone down, but…’

So let’s just get this started already.

Matt:

The love triangle is in full force. Matt is getting the most air time these days, so this must be a pretty big thing. Matt feels like he has ‘intellectual conversations’ with Amelia, but he is very attracted to Brand Ambassador April, and he’s locked into emotional blackmail after rewarding Gabby’s cry with a kiss.

Matt gets his girls cleaning out troughs in their white shirts. Maybe he should follow this up with a date on how to effectively use Napisan in the bush? There is a brief mud wrestle with April (so clichéd) and Gabby scrubs the trough even harder and talks smack talk about April to vent her frustration at having to share the love of her life with a Brand Ambassador. Matt pulls Gabby (who is one onion short of more tears) aside to comfort her and it ends in another kiss.

Julz:

Julz and his ladies are out fixing fences. OKAY – now I am paying attention. This is a date I have been on. I can finally relate. He is woo-ing the ladies with talk of ‘iron droppers’. *drool* The only thing that could make this more romantic is by adding at least 30 extra degrees to the temperature today, and getting him to take the piss out of their efforts as they go.

It’s obvious that GI Megan has been friend-zoned, and probably even Alex too. Julz really only has eyes for Melanie (who is wearing matching red plaid). Melanie is a sure thing.

Julz is taking Melanie to a secluded cabin in the dark with a campfire. Sounds a bit like a scene in Wolf Creek if you ask me, but they both are too smitten with one another to be anywhere near as cynical as I am. They dine on plastic plates with a BBQ dinner, and I am pleased. This is the closest thing these girls will get to a real date other than going fencing with their farmer.

Lance:

Sad guitar music after we are reminded that Karen abandoned left him last week. Old Spice discusses how he has dealt with the ‘aftermath of shock’, but drops reminders that he still has two more ‘little ladies’ – perhaps hoping to convince himself of their actual value to him, more than trying to convince us. He refers to them as being ‘rip snorters’, because ROMANCE!

As Old Spice discusses Karen’s departure, one of the sister wives actually starts to cry. For a minute I think I am back in uni, sucking on a frozen coke and watching an episode of Ricky Lake or Donoghue, where the sister wives TRULY wanted their third sister to stay. This is like a train wreck. I can’t take my eyes away as they discuss their family realignment and have a group hug to make everything better.

Old Spice takes the girls on a #mavericks shopping spree. It doesn’t mean anything to me, but they must have paid a pretty penny for that advertising (or are great mates with Lance), but my Farmer is impressed. Now they are off to a ‘real’ rodeo… but time will tell if it actually is.

HOLA! They have made it to The Great Western!!! I still remember my first ever visit there. So funny. But no rodeo. My Farmer assures me it is probably a quiet night, and adds that it DOES get quite busy at times. But not tonight. Old Spice declares the Great Western to be ‘ONE OF THE BEST indoor rodeos in Central Queensland.’ That’s a big call! There must be, what? Like… only one indoor rodeo in Central Queensland right? Or are there actually more? You learn something new every day. Old Spice makes a throw away comment comparing one of his ‘little ladies’ to a bull. Get used to it love, there will be plenty more animal references where that comes from.

Adam:

It’s cold and wet and Adam is taking the girls to put hay out. My Farmer laughs as Hayley puts her seatbelt on. Don’t get me wrong, seat belts are the best, but I PROMISE you this is only being worn because of FWAW Workplace Health and Safety policy. Seatbelts on farms are optional under 20km an hour. In spite of Hayley’s attempts to woo Adam with her safe driving practices, he still chooses crowd favourite Taryn to come on a 1 on 1 date with him. Hayley spits chips.

Adam and Taryn engage in SEVERELY Producer inspired “how is our relationship progressing” convo. It’s so staged, it’s awkward. To change the subject Taryn talks about her cold hands. That old chestnut. They head home, and then he takes Hayley out on a date. Poor Christine. This must be the end of the line for you too.

Hayley is so excited about her date that she can’t stop gushing. ADAM (and definitely not the production crew) have pulled out all stops on the hay bail and fairy lights. Adam says “I don’t think she’s had this done for her before” and I really want to know if we can even technically say that Adam has ever done this at all as well? The two of them discuss how many married friends they have, and then they indulge in strawberries and chocolate (Hayley’s FAVOURITE!), but there is still no more talk of her butcher dreams, and definitely no kiss. Adam does have a ‘good feeling’ though.

Lachie:

Lachie doesn’t have to send anyone home tonight after one of his ladies walked out last week. Instead we see him take Kelly to a day spa/ pampering on his verandah. As I am watching this, a text comes through from Mrs B (my good friend and next door neighbour/ Farmer’s Wife) saying:

Where the f&%^ is our massage on the deck? #weareonthewrongfarm

Damn straight Mrs B! As Lachie gets a foot massage in his white robe, Kelly exclaims that ‘if this is a good representation of farm life, then she can handle this.’ Refer to the text above Kel. All this as Lachie snorts.

Jedd:

More oyster shucking. *yawn*. This is all so boring, we get a bunch of flashbacks to when Jedd was so nervous he made a real larrikin of himself. Back when we actually had something to talk about…

Jedd takes Nicole (WTF? Who is this woman – and has she even been there before today??) on a date. They discuss the ‘vibe’ of Newcastle and how would she feel about being pregnant… She is gone for sure.

It’s Time To Go:

Adam:

After a quick speech about how they are all strong women, Adam allows the three girls to have their last words. It reminds me of that scene in Bridesmaids where the two main Bridesmaids compete for who is the favourite friend in an epic ‘speech off’ that ends in ‘keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me… for sure. That’s what friends are for!” It truly feels like this is about to happen!

Alas, Christine must leave. She is sad, and not letting Adam off easily. No surprises.

Julz:

After GI Megan refers to Julz as being a ‘good bloke’ it is clear that she is also in the friend zone. After a speech of “moment of truth and inevitability”, the girls give a collective speech of “we think this and we feel that” and it is clear that they have actually started morphing into the one girl. And even though there is no I (or we) in TEAM, it’s time to go Megan. Alex is relieved that she didn’t have to leave. Can everyone say “third wheel”??? Melanie has this in the bag.

URGH!!! Channel 9 are PUMPING through the ads tonight. A bunch of airline and car ads. But a missed opportunity for Toyota – the official bush vehicle. Maybe next year fellas?

Jedd:

Still nothing. To be fair, they are probably going hard talking about how much they all love Game of Thrones, but as it’s not a Ch 9 show, they can’t air any of it. #sorrynotsorry

Jedd asks Nicole to leave, but I’m not sad. I didn’t even know she was there to begin with.

Matt:

Our helicopter pilot is on the verge of tears. This is affecting him the most. Apparently intellectual conversations aren’t what he is chasing, and Amelia is asked to leave. She is shocked. But at 22 years of age, I suspect she will get over this.

Lots of clichés are being bandied around…

“Going to keep on keeping on”, and “What will be will be”.

NEXT WEEK:

Family meetings! YAYYYY! This is always gold. I’m so excited about this… and seeing Lance and his two sister wives who have started dressing all matchy-matchy after this week.

If you enjoy this recap, please share it with your friends. x

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 2 - A visit to the farm

Did you catch last week's recap? If you missed it you can find it here...

Episode 1 - FWAW Recap

I think we need to start by addressing the fact that this show is actually on too late for most farmers to sit up and watch. Clearly it's a ratings issue, but I'm going to have trouble getting The Farmer to sit up with me and give me all his funny lines when he has a 'sparrow's fart' start tomorrow morning. Channel 9 - listen up already! This is serious. Just as serious as Lachie's quest to find a wife. For real. Honestly... this whole 2 hour episode finishing past 11 o'clock is just crazy talk!!!

*yawn*

OKAY - I have made it to kick off (cold Milo and pillow in hand, because glamorous)!

We open with farmers busy prepping farms, green rolling hills and Sam's lovely voice over.

Have I mentioned how much I love Sam? Truth be told, the farmers probably all want to take her home and marry her and just call quits on this late night television bizzo too... but we'll play along for now...

1. The girls arrive

Matt - (pilot from Pilbara) - His ladies have travelled two hours from an airport presumably in the middle of nowhere to stay in donga accommodation. Don't be fooled. These dongas are the best, assuming they're equipped with air con. One lady says she wants a Macho Man, and I gotta say that any guy who lives on a farm and flies a helicopter is overqualified in the Macho department. Consider your box ticked ladies.

Lachie - ("Dude hay farmer") - Oh look! We are on his farm, nice and manicured in time for all this free advertising on FWAW before he decided to put it on the market. Good to see all girls have arrived in the correct bush uniform (even if this farm is only an hour from Sydney). Collars, checked shirts, jeans and boots. Good stuff ladies. Lachie has the ladies busy on his 'dude ranch' 'hay farm' doing important jobs such as tagging, drenching and baling hay, however we only actually see one of the girls spraying a cow with some yellow stuff. When I asked The Farmer what she was doing, he said 'probably nothing'. There was some mention of 'cattle wrangling', which (after watching the footage) I have decided is tv code for watching girls run haphazardly through the fields randomly chasing cows.

Later Lachie has his girls weeding (by hand) out in the paddock. As you do.

Lance - (Rodeo Cowboy) - As Lance enters a 4 way embrace with three of his sister wives, he laments the fact that Lorraine (last week's face) is missing. We are reminded of Lance saying he is chasing 'gunslingers and whores' (or was that horses?? Honestly, I have heard it about 3 times already tonight and I still can't tell).

Lance shows his ladies how to lasso. Apparently roping skills will serve them well down the track. I wonder if this is what they will need to retrieve him from future buckle bunnies once his 15 minutes of fame follows him into his next Campdraft. Music reminiscent of Jessica Rabbit times plays as all three girls blatantly throw themselves at Lance (who assures the camera that he doesn't want to limit his cuddles to only 1 woman because that's not fair), and the three sister wives think that's fine and normal.

Sam eventually arrives to spare us the PG rating going M15and tells us that Lorraine can't make it to the farm due to 'personal circumstaces'. Lance says this is a bit of a hurdle, but I bet he is a barrel racer from way back and he will jump on over that hurdle into the next lady's arms.

Jedd - (Deep thinker) - He introduces his dog, Greg, to the ladies. So romantic watching your sister wives all pull up to the farm in a car together. It is Shanell who impresses by feeding Greg some doggie snacks she smuggled from the city to the farm.

Rowdy Julz - (no 'e' in Julz this week) - Has his daughter, River, there to help his clean up for the ladies, but we don't see her afterwards, so we can only assume that he doesn't have her off running the farm while he finds a new worker wife. There are so many red cars in this shot. And red goes faster. This is all so very 'Rowdy'. Julz impresses the ladies with his lumberjack skills (because all bearded men must be into cutting timber right?) and then crowd face army girl Megan enters late. Cue steely looks and piercing glances from the other girls.

Adam - (Dairy Farmer and Cutie) - He is excited about seeing yellow hat Hayley, and is disappointed when she wears white suede boots and acts like a bit of a Princess around the mud. I'm wondering where the "I want to be a butcher" girl has gone, and I'm hoping she doesn't wear those boots in the meat house as well. I'm disappointed. I wanted to take her home and marry her myself, and I'm feeling a little duped.

2. First nights on the farm

Julz - steak is on the menu.

Lance - playing with his food and tying to be a clown. No surprises.

Lachie - Obviously doesn't spend a lot of time in the house without his mother, because he has no idea how to work any of the appliances. Obviously looking for a cook. The ladies are all happy to oblige.

Jedd - Cooking seafood for dinner, (because oysters equals romance). Kerry announces that she hates oysters and doesn't like seafood. Ummm... what? Did you read his profile? This should be an instant scratching from the race, but let's all pretend that she actually has a chance for now anyway.

Adam - Hayley is worried. She only packed 83657 pairs of shoes and she thinks Adam can see right through her now. He calls Kelsey into the kitchen to help with dinner, but as she is an air hostess, she's only used to bringing it to the table, and not actually preparing it. This spells disaster Kelsey.

3. Mornings on the farm

Adam - it's 5.30am and he's 'waking up the girls' and giving them half an hour to get ready. He's all smiles and there are jokes about early mornings on the dairy farm. I have news for you girls and it ain't pretty. He's probably been up since about 3am. This is how it will be every day for the rest of your life. Except he won't be smiling as he asks you to get up ten years from now.

The girls emerge looking beautiful, and their instructions are 'let's milk, don't get kicked.' One girl is wearing white, and I'm itching to comment on how inappropriate that is on a dairy farm, but then I remember I wore a white shirt into the Amazon Rainforest after rain. No judging here. We all screw up sister! One girl gets poo all over her face and Adam gently wipes it off, because 'love'. Lots of #sunriseporn and everyone (including me) is impressed with the girls today.

Lots of shots of frolicking with lambs and running wildly and giggling. Because 'farm'.

4. Hanging out on the farm


Lance - I'm starting to wonder what Lance actually does on his farm? They are having a horse shit fight. I'm not even joking. Somehow this is all probably going to end in a 4 way man sandwich. I'm so confused.

Lance is still into his tongue kissing and bum smacks (not even a little bit PC) but Karen isn't feeling the love anymore. She wants to leave her sister wives and go home.

Matt - Has the girls separating the cattle into 'boys and girls'  - because bulls and steers and heifers is all just too technical. I think they are actually putting up a hessian fence, but all I can focus on is how these girls all need to put shirts with collars and sleeves on if they don't want skin cancer. They look totally cute (and Matt gives Amelia a bit of a grope in the yards) but that's going to have to change eventually.

Matt takes Amelia on a horse ride and whilst he struts in a hat, she dons a helmet, and I can't help but think about the song 'Downtown' and how Macklemore sings about how "if I only had one helmet, I'd give it to you, I'd give it to you..." And with that the mood is killed. Matt asks what city life is like and she says "boring, stressful and rushed."

I have nothing but bad news for the poor girl...

She's smart though, and says she's going to use the full ten days to see if this is what she can handle.

Meanwhile the other girls are home FREAKING OUT! Amelia keeps her cards close when she gets home and... hold up... April is a "Brand Ambassador"?! What is that? And how do I do it?

#I LOVETOYOTA

The next day Matt turns up in a helicopter. All 4 girls wet their pants a little bit and he is going to get laid by the end of the series for sure. He emerges from the helicopter with a moustache that would give Bert Reynolds a run for his money, but none of the girls notice it at all. April gets on the 'dolly' (post hole digger). She is totally cute in her Rachael John's book cover heroine get up. And Matt doesn't miss a beat. She could be wearing a burlap sack and still look hot though.

Jedd - Gets his girls to change (in front of him no less) into wetsuits. He watches shamelessly. Of course, on top of liking seafood, they obviously have to pass the swimsuit part of this Miss Universe pageant as well. The ladies all do a great job of it.  Watching me change into a wetsuit would be something more akin to a penguin shedding its skin and using its flippers to do it. The girls reciprocate by watching Jedd as well.

Someone says something about not cutting her boobs on the barnacles and something being 'well hung' and now I understand why this is a 9-11pm time slot.

Adam - He is taking Taryn on a picnic date. Baskets, blankets, wine glasses. Completely original. We might not see another basket or blanket for the entire season.

 I went on a date with a picnic basket and blanket once. Just once. It was nice. Once...

Also... if I hear the word 'chemistry' (and not in a science context) one more time I will be forced to start a drinking game...

Adam and Taryn eat sandwiches planted by the props department (and *shock horror* not made by Adam himself), and jokes about how Taryn can handle his 'hot salami' ensue...

Julz - Julz takes GI Jane (Megan) on a roll in the hay. Literally. More picnic blankets and baskets and wine. *sigh* And GI Jane reflects on how "everything in the country is good except for his love life." Umm... except for droughts, fire, being a single parent, debt, isolation, stress from reality tv obligations etc. as well. GI Jane also called him on how he probably wants a farm hand, and he didn't really deny it...

Whilst they are on the 'best date', the other girls are handling it really well from inside the house. They have made up a voodoo doll and Crazy Amanda is holding out on using it. Kidding. But everyone is going a lot bit nuts over the whole date thing. Because who really wants to share your farmer with three other girls anyway?

When Julz and GI Jane return covered in hay, Amanda retreats to the kitchen with her head spinning in circles and her mouth frothing at the sides.

Lachie - Now freely admitting that being 1 hr from Sydney should technically deem him inappropriate for this program, has taken Belinda out to a rustic car for a spot of romance. Another picnic basket and blanket (OMFG) and Lachie's aviator glasses (so porno they take me back to my high school days of watching a classmate's parents dirty 70s videos at a class party).

Lachie says this is 'not something he normally does' - and I'm wondering what he means? Kissing a stranger on reality tv? Or just going on another reality tv dating show? Oh yeah... and a first kiss.

The next day involves more dude farming. A tractor breaks down and there are lubricant jokes. Ugh. Some guy in production is high fiving another jerk on these sleezy jokes, but it's starting to annoy me. It could also be that I'm super tired by now though.


Adam - While all the other farms are heading to bed, Adam is about to help a cow give birth. It's a 'farm emergency'. Watching a calf born IS amazing... but pay close attention to the words he uses as it all unfolds. He will most certainly use those terms again when his wife is birthing...

5. Last Chance Ladies!

Jedd - takes Shanell out on a date, but as he's a responsible adult in control of a boat, his picnic basket and blanket are covered in soft drink, CHIPS and WATER! How romantic...

Lachie - another picnic date (this time with a thermos in some place that is CLEARLY off farm - obvs after the last show he was on, they used all the best date spots). It's completely awkward and is full of 'umms' and 'soooo's.

Lance - Karen says her heart is not in it and asks to leave, and Lance puts on his sad face and says she has to do what makes her happy. Karen packs and Lance takes this sulky lass on a sulky ride through the countryside. The horse and carriage experience is exactly what she needs and she seems a bit happier. He doesn't have to send anyone home tonight anyway, because Lorraine already bailed on him.

Julz -  Takes Melanie (the red head) out on a date and they 'connect' with 'chemistry'... ugh.

6. D DAY!

Loads of makeup, bag packing, coffee and reflecting on feelings.

Matt - April and Amelia are no brainers. They are here for the long haul. And he chooses farm girl Anna to go, which is a total shocker, because we all thought it would be the girl with the arm tattoos who we didn't see all episode.

Julz -  GI Jane and the red head are his no brainers. Then there's Crazy Amanda and some girl called Alex we didn't see at all. He says "It's time to go... Amanda." And I am all like "what?" Because the Producers obviously didn't get their way with this one. Who even is Alex?? Julz will be happy though, because now he can put his steak knives back out on the bench again...

Lachie -  So worried there is 'no thinking about thinking'. Ummm... okay. He sends home someone called Kate, who I didn't even know was there, and not the girl from the awkward date. Weird.

Jedd - I was hoping so bad he would send home no-seafood-Kerry. But he sends home SHANELL!!! I can't believe it. I thought he was so much more relaxed tonight, but clearly he isn't using his brain properly yet. He does quote from 'The Castle' though and I forgive him a little. #itsthevibe

Adam - We are reminded of how Hayley 'mucked up' (how dare she!) and all the girls beg awkwardly. It's a bit sad. And then Kelsey in the kitchen is gone.

This is crazy good editing Channel 9! I may even stay up late again next week to see what other surprises you have in store for me.

Slow guitar music plays and there are tears, mentions of fairytale endings , and maybe even a few bullets dodged. Who knows?

NEXT WEEK!

More weekend fun and romance! And of course... the farm stays heat up...