FWAW RECAP EPISODE 5 - Meet the family... sort of

Meet the Family… sort of

Today I drove 650km to get home in time for FWAW, so my expectations are high. Our Farmers are taking the ‘girls’ to meet the families… allegedly. I want to be excited, and then the lovely Sam graces our screen wearing skinny jeans. And I am reminded that I am a mother of three who is lopping over the sides of my skinny jeans, and all of a sudden I am dragged back to Earth again.

Bring it on.

The Fight for the Farmer is Nearly Done.

Adam – We are reminded that Christine with the sad back story had to leave Gippsland (not THE Gippsland as many people have pointed out). Adam takes his girls to a pampering session with an ulterior motive. His ‘mates best friend’ is a hairdresser there. “Spy Sharni” is there to torture, control, manipulate, abuse coax the girls into saying what they are really thinking about Adam. Oh the sneaky sneaky.

Jedd – We are now publicly acknowledging that Jedd is ‘left of centre’, and this is reinforced by him taking his girls for a competitive game of minigolf, which is great when you are 13 and hoping to ask a girl to go steady with you, but a bit sad when you are desperate a bit older. The girls end up losing the ‘friendly game’ and end up cleaning Jedd’s filthy car during what can only be described as a sad imitation of a Jessica Simpson “boots are made for walking” film clip. Jedd sits back and sucks on a cool beer throughout.

Jedd eventually gets his own shirt off, and whilst it does nothing for me personally, it is a true gentleman who doesn’t leave his girls stranded alone on national tv in wet t-shirts.

Matt – He’s out fixing a windmill with his girls, which is – at least – a real farm job. Both girls are giving it a fair crack, and my Farmer CP takes the time to ask me if I will clean out the troughs with him in some daisy dukes. I say I will, but it won’t look the same, and that I insist on him placing fairy lights around the trough first. Because ROMANCE.

Matt takes Gabby on a helicopter ride. She is seriously wetting herself. There is more kissing. Brand Ambassador April takes to the farm gym to let off some steam. It is a ‘gun show’ and there are loads of awkward Austin Power-like moments where Matt is all “oooh look at me falling on you on the ground”… and still no kissing. I can see April’s mind ticking over. She’s going to have to pull out all stops to get further with Matt.

Lance – Old Spice announces that they will be doing some real work today, and for a minute I get excited, because I am still kinda wondering what the heck he actually does when he’s not a ‘cowboy’. And then when I see it is painting an old shit box ute in flouro pink and aqua, I feel redeemed. I call bullshit on the whole Farmer thing. If Farmer CP EVER asks me to paint a crappy farm ute, the poo will really hit the proverbial fan.

It gets me thinking though. I ask Farmer CP what jobs he would have had girls doing on this farm if he’d ever ended up on FWAW. He says it would be stick picking, sorting sheep through gates, and cleaning troughs. Thank god we met at a Pub instead…

Old Spice is stressing about which of his ‘2 special ladies’ he is going to take on a 24 hour date (which we all know is code for ‘trying before you are buying’ – power to you all). Lance takes Suzi with the long dark hair on a quick date by the river (which means he is surely taking short haired Lisa on the BIG date). Suzi pulls out all stops. “This feels like home.” “You just know sometimes.” But the horses have already bolted there I believe… literally and metaphorically.

Lachie – There is a farm BBQ being organised, and I feel like this is deja vous. I know that editing plays a big role in how we view 'characters' on this show, but didn't  we already do this on Married at First Sight? Even the whole ‘mum and granny having a big say over the girl” thing?? As the girls set up fairy lights (yay more fairy lights), we are told that Belinda is feeling restless. So you should be Belinda. I’m still nervous about Lachie’s motivation, and I like you. Hope you packed some good vitamins for the farm stay. That’ll help with the restlessness.

Julz – More dirty work… The girls are out there hosing off another tractor. We are reminded about how GI Megan had to leave, and the girls throw ‘playful’ banter back and forth about how not using a hose properly somehow equals being a terrible farm wife. Julz tells the camera that the girls like to stir each other. I doubt this will be a long term problem Julz…

Party Time!

Lachie – I’m pretty sure Lachie’s mum and granny live on farm. They are always ‘there’… Meeting the Matriarchs can be a bit daunting, and Belinda clearly has this in the bag. But here’s the thing… In between all the ‘lovely salads’ Lachie takes his granny aside to ask he opinion. Being a lovely old thing of considerable age, she has nothing to lose by stating the truth. She thinks Belinda is a better match. Almost instantly, Lachie runs inside to corner Belinda to tell her about their ‘amazing connection’. Belinda, who is clearly caught in the moment, takes it all in and they share a moment together. Lachie is CLEARLY a player though – even my Farmer CP agrees. He could only bring himself to tell Belinda that AFTER his granny shared her thoughts. If he REALLY cared, he should have been able to do it without the Matriarchs having a say. If they have this much say now, it’s all downhill for whichever girl takes that monster on down the track. Belinda can do so much better!

Low and behold, Kelly watched ‘the moment’ and is clearly gutted. High drama on the farm ensues. Kelly pulls Lachie aside, whereby he follows one dog act with another dog act by making this all look like Kelly’s fault, Kelly asks him if there was ‘a pash’. He lies outright – or rather he DENIES – and then has the audacity to accuse Kelly of interrogating him. He announces that if that’s how she is acting, then it’s true… he likes Belinda better. Ugh. Dodged a bullet Kelly.

Jedd – More oysters. I’m wondering if Jedd ever eats anything else? Or if Channel 9 blew the budget on the putt putt golf, and so Jedd has to provide all meals from this point onward? Jedd’s mum Jill has 386543876400 questions for the girls, and after her own interrogation she announces diplomatically that she likes both girls and wants grandkids.

Julz – Julz takes his girls for a quiet night at the local Pub. There are posters of him all around the Pub that his hilarious friends have stuck around with something about GOOZA?? Which is clearly his REAL nickname, and now all I want to hear is the story behind GOOZA. It doesn’t happen though. I’m happy about this outing, because it’s similar to what actually happens. Julz always keeps it real. Wal (the Publican) gets them all to engage in a beer pulling contest. Julz does a terrible job, and everyone asks for a flake with their beer. Kidding. But they could have…

Adam – Double agent, Sharni (married to Troy, Adam’s best friend) makes another appearance, and the girls realise what has happened with the whole hair dressing thing. Hayley is crapping herself, and probably rightfully so, as Sharni announces that Taryn is by FAR her favourite. Troy likes ‘the blonde’ though (as Sharni is a blonde, that’s not really a surprise) and he also declares that ‘Hayley likes pigs and farming too, and is more compatible.’ Mate, I have almost nothing in common with The Farmer, and sometimes I think that’s what keeps us both on our toes. We share common values, and that’s WAY more important than my interest in farming. The show is called Farmer Wants a Wife, not Farmer Wants A Worker or Friend.

Lance – My Farmer spies long horned cattle on the farm, and now we are both speculating if maybe that’s what Cowboy Lance actually does. He announces he is taking Lisa on a 24 hour date to Great Keppel Island (which is only one of my favourite places in the whole wide world!) Suzi nearly cries, but acts all tough about it. She says she’s all good with it, but you can tell that it is dawning on her that the other sister wife is actually in with a real chance. Suzi drowns her sorrows in a beer or two.

Matt – April decides it’s time to put everything on the line and she tells Matt “I need you… you need me.” I can’t see any actual tears though, and it could be that we don’t own a fancy HD tv in this house, but I’m guessing her tears are more like the ones I use when I want the Farmer to feel bad about something. Matt kisses her and my Farmer announces that this show should be called “Farmer Wants a Box of Tissues.”

NEXT WEEK!

Sexy time on the overnight dates… at least I hope so.

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 4 - Someone is going home

Someone Is Going Home

This week we have been promised that there would be not just ONE, but TWO of the most romantic dates we’ll EVER have seen. That shouldn’t be too hard, as I wouldn’t classify ANY of the dates I’ve ever been on as ‘the best date ever’, and I don’t make a habit of watching other people’s dates as a general rule…

We open with a 20 second montage of checked shirts, big hats and longing looks.

‘Elimination Day’ draws near:

The girls are spurting gems such as ‘this is home’ and of course the farmers are all ‘I don’t want to let anyone down, but…’

So let’s just get this started already.

Matt:

The love triangle is in full force. Matt is getting the most air time these days, so this must be a pretty big thing. Matt feels like he has ‘intellectual conversations’ with Amelia, but he is very attracted to Brand Ambassador April, and he’s locked into emotional blackmail after rewarding Gabby’s cry with a kiss.

Matt gets his girls cleaning out troughs in their white shirts. Maybe he should follow this up with a date on how to effectively use Napisan in the bush? There is a brief mud wrestle with April (so clichéd) and Gabby scrubs the trough even harder and talks smack talk about April to vent her frustration at having to share the love of her life with a Brand Ambassador. Matt pulls Gabby (who is one onion short of more tears) aside to comfort her and it ends in another kiss.

Julz:

Julz and his ladies are out fixing fences. OKAY – now I am paying attention. This is a date I have been on. I can finally relate. He is woo-ing the ladies with talk of ‘iron droppers’. *drool* The only thing that could make this more romantic is by adding at least 30 extra degrees to the temperature today, and getting him to take the piss out of their efforts as they go.

It’s obvious that GI Megan has been friend-zoned, and probably even Alex too. Julz really only has eyes for Melanie (who is wearing matching red plaid). Melanie is a sure thing.

Julz is taking Melanie to a secluded cabin in the dark with a campfire. Sounds a bit like a scene in Wolf Creek if you ask me, but they both are too smitten with one another to be anywhere near as cynical as I am. They dine on plastic plates with a BBQ dinner, and I am pleased. This is the closest thing these girls will get to a real date other than going fencing with their farmer.

Lance:

Sad guitar music after we are reminded that Karen abandoned left him last week. Old Spice discusses how he has dealt with the ‘aftermath of shock’, but drops reminders that he still has two more ‘little ladies’ – perhaps hoping to convince himself of their actual value to him, more than trying to convince us. He refers to them as being ‘rip snorters’, because ROMANCE!

As Old Spice discusses Karen’s departure, one of the sister wives actually starts to cry. For a minute I think I am back in uni, sucking on a frozen coke and watching an episode of Ricky Lake or Donoghue, where the sister wives TRULY wanted their third sister to stay. This is like a train wreck. I can’t take my eyes away as they discuss their family realignment and have a group hug to make everything better.

Old Spice takes the girls on a #mavericks shopping spree. It doesn’t mean anything to me, but they must have paid a pretty penny for that advertising (or are great mates with Lance), but my Farmer is impressed. Now they are off to a ‘real’ rodeo… but time will tell if it actually is.

HOLA! They have made it to The Great Western!!! I still remember my first ever visit there. So funny. But no rodeo. My Farmer assures me it is probably a quiet night, and adds that it DOES get quite busy at times. But not tonight. Old Spice declares the Great Western to be ‘ONE OF THE BEST indoor rodeos in Central Queensland.’ That’s a big call! There must be, what? Like… only one indoor rodeo in Central Queensland right? Or are there actually more? You learn something new every day. Old Spice makes a throw away comment comparing one of his ‘little ladies’ to a bull. Get used to it love, there will be plenty more animal references where that comes from.

Adam:

It’s cold and wet and Adam is taking the girls to put hay out. My Farmer laughs as Hayley puts her seatbelt on. Don’t get me wrong, seat belts are the best, but I PROMISE you this is only being worn because of FWAW Workplace Health and Safety policy. Seatbelts on farms are optional under 20km an hour. In spite of Hayley’s attempts to woo Adam with her safe driving practices, he still chooses crowd favourite Taryn to come on a 1 on 1 date with him. Hayley spits chips.

Adam and Taryn engage in SEVERELY Producer inspired “how is our relationship progressing” convo. It’s so staged, it’s awkward. To change the subject Taryn talks about her cold hands. That old chestnut. They head home, and then he takes Hayley out on a date. Poor Christine. This must be the end of the line for you too.

Hayley is so excited about her date that she can’t stop gushing. ADAM (and definitely not the production crew) have pulled out all stops on the hay bail and fairy lights. Adam says “I don’t think she’s had this done for her before” and I really want to know if we can even technically say that Adam has ever done this at all as well? The two of them discuss how many married friends they have, and then they indulge in strawberries and chocolate (Hayley’s FAVOURITE!), but there is still no more talk of her butcher dreams, and definitely no kiss. Adam does have a ‘good feeling’ though.

Lachie:

Lachie doesn’t have to send anyone home tonight after one of his ladies walked out last week. Instead we see him take Kelly to a day spa/ pampering on his verandah. As I am watching this, a text comes through from Mrs B (my good friend and next door neighbour/ Farmer’s Wife) saying:

Where the f&%^ is our massage on the deck? #weareonthewrongfarm

Damn straight Mrs B! As Lachie gets a foot massage in his white robe, Kelly exclaims that ‘if this is a good representation of farm life, then she can handle this.’ Refer to the text above Kel. All this as Lachie snorts.

Jedd:

More oyster shucking. *yawn*. This is all so boring, we get a bunch of flashbacks to when Jedd was so nervous he made a real larrikin of himself. Back when we actually had something to talk about…

Jedd takes Nicole (WTF? Who is this woman – and has she even been there before today??) on a date. They discuss the ‘vibe’ of Newcastle and how would she feel about being pregnant… She is gone for sure.

It’s Time To Go:

Adam:

After a quick speech about how they are all strong women, Adam allows the three girls to have their last words. It reminds me of that scene in Bridesmaids where the two main Bridesmaids compete for who is the favourite friend in an epic ‘speech off’ that ends in ‘keep smiling, keep shining, knowing you can always count on me… for sure. That’s what friends are for!” It truly feels like this is about to happen!

Alas, Christine must leave. She is sad, and not letting Adam off easily. No surprises.

Julz:

After GI Megan refers to Julz as being a ‘good bloke’ it is clear that she is also in the friend zone. After a speech of “moment of truth and inevitability”, the girls give a collective speech of “we think this and we feel that” and it is clear that they have actually started morphing into the one girl. And even though there is no I (or we) in TEAM, it’s time to go Megan. Alex is relieved that she didn’t have to leave. Can everyone say “third wheel”??? Melanie has this in the bag.

URGH!!! Channel 9 are PUMPING through the ads tonight. A bunch of airline and car ads. But a missed opportunity for Toyota – the official bush vehicle. Maybe next year fellas?

Jedd:

Still nothing. To be fair, they are probably going hard talking about how much they all love Game of Thrones, but as it’s not a Ch 9 show, they can’t air any of it. #sorrynotsorry

Jedd asks Nicole to leave, but I’m not sad. I didn’t even know she was there to begin with.

Matt:

Our helicopter pilot is on the verge of tears. This is affecting him the most. Apparently intellectual conversations aren’t what he is chasing, and Amelia is asked to leave. She is shocked. But at 22 years of age, I suspect she will get over this.

Lots of clichés are being bandied around…

“Going to keep on keeping on”, and “What will be will be”.

NEXT WEEK:

Family meetings! YAYYYY! This is always gold. I’m so excited about this… and seeing Lance and his two sister wives who have started dressing all matchy-matchy after this week.

If you enjoy this recap, please share it with your friends. x

The One Fingered Wave

One Fingered Wave

You know you are officially ‘in the bush’ when you see people giving you the one fingered wave. I don’t mean the one fingered wave that people give you when they don’t like you either. I’m referring to the happy one. The one people don’t even realising they are doing until it’s too late.

For me there is a clear line on where this happens. As I drive west of Goondiwindi I notice that everyone is doing it. It’s right there on the steering wheel, waiting for company. With the approach of another vehicle the first finger (and occasionally the second one too) lift themselves off the steering wheel and give a gentle shake in acknowledgement.

It’s a funny thing, but something that is really unique to rural and remote areas. I don’t think I had ever really seen anything like it until I took my first foray out into the wilds of western Queensland.

The one fingered wave is the precursor to the fully fledged one hand tip. The hand tip is the more personal (“Hey I actually know you” or am “from around here too”) wave. It’s far more common in truck drivers and people who work on farms.

The one fingered wave isn’t something you automatically pick up if you are a newcomer to rural areas (like myself). I had to teach myself to do it. Initially it was a bit of a joke. I used to do it just to see if the other person would return the gesture, and I always felt a sense of relief and joy when it was reciprocated. After some time it became a reflex activity. Now I even struggle with stopping doing it once I leave Goondiwindi.

I’ve often wondered why people in the city don’t do this one fingered wave, and to some extent I believe they actually do, only not as often, and only at certain times – like when someone lets you merge in heavy traffic (and even then it’s only to the car behind you). Perhaps it’s also because when you are in the country there is a good chance that the person you are waving at will be someone you already know. That doesn’t happen in the city; it will almost certainly be a stranger. Sometimes I will wave at people by accident when I am visiting the big smoke and I am instantly embarrassed about it. They will know I am not from around ‘those parts’, even if my dusty, muddy four wheel drive wasn’t enough of a giveaway.

The one fingered wave is something I have come to really love about living out west. To me it represents familiarity and country courtesy. The one fingered wave is ‘home’ and there is a certain amount of comfort I feel when I am back in areas where it is commonplace.

Do you use the one fingered wave? Let me know on social media!

You can find me on facebook: The Farmer’s Wife and Instagram: @jessthefarmerswife and Twitter: @jessfarmerswife

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 3 - Cry me a river girls...

Still annoyed that I am up this late to even watch this. Last week my internal clock was thrown for at least two days after staying up to recap, and I was not happy Channel 9, but lo and behold! Channel 9 have answered my silent prayers and offered up a one hour episode as a tribute instead! Whoop-de-freaking-doo!!!

Sam starts by informing us that 'farmers know how to have fun' (presumably by spraying fields, doing cattle work, and checking for eggs with your three girlfriends - as the montage suggests).

Soooo...

Farmers Know How To Have Fun:

Julz -  Having fun means having to leave the farm. And nothing says 'fun' like riding a Segway through grassy fields. Clearly this was the stupid idea of a Producer who has never been on a farm before. One of the girls says she loves adventure and has even been sky diving, but clearly none of that is in the budget... so segways it is.

After the most boring fun day ever. Julz backs it up with a one on one with Alex, as they feed birds together. Yawn. I want my 5 minutes of my life back again.

Still pretty sure that he 'gels' with G.I. Megan, he takes her on a jetty walk whilst the other two girls hurl visual daggers at them while they are gone. I can't help but wonder if life with Megan would be all Von Trapps 2.0. Whistles and marching to keep things in order.

Adam -  He's also taking his girls off farm. And this is pretty much how it rolls on a farm. Unless your idea of fun is fencing and rolling out pipe and mustering. Adam is treating his girlfriends to... wait... what?

COOKING CLASSES?!?!
Jeezus.

What's better than one wifey in the kitchen? THREE wifeys in the kitchen of course! Nothing like finding out who will make the perfect wife, than by setting up a tortellini making session. Hopefully they also show the girls how to put out slippers and light Adam's pipe before he gets home from work as well...

Hayley is freaking out and crying and frankly, I would be too.

The conversation turns to "what love means" and Adam tells the girls that "the more people in your life to love, the better." Presumably he is referring to wanting to keep all three girls in a harem. And they are all lapping it up.

As it turns out, Hayley doesn't just cook, she cleans too. For that, she is rewarded with extra one on one time, while the two other girls just hang outside together... just you know... loitering, I suppose. Adam fesses up about how hard it is to date three girls. Poor Adam. #firstworldproblems

Jedd - After overcoming his painful awkwardness, he's now all about the hugs. He's taken Kerry the photographer on a 'date' and pretty much all she does is take pictures of his dog, Gregory.

Next up he takes the girls to a winery. Some discussion about 'soul mates' and 'having babies'. Really, just a casual discussion between you, your boyfriend, and his other two girlfriends about copulation ending in procreation to make you want to drink faster. Sam manages to con him into some one on one time to discuss this soul mate thing a little more.

Jedd is apparently showing his serious side. Jedd and Sam kiss.

Matt - Nothing says having fun like unloading a cattle truck. (Sounds a bit like Valentine's Day around here). Amelia comments on how she 'loves trucks because she has seen them on the highway. Hmmm. And I can't remember anything else because I'm still stuck on how April is a 'Brand Ambassador'. If you know this girl, please get her in touch with me. I need to know what this is and how I do it! For real!

Matt takes the girls out to a nice spot at the river. I start to wonder if this is like a Darwin's test of 'survival of the fittest' or whatever it is... Maybe he thinks a croc will come and take one of the girls so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and do it himself. Thankfully, there are no crocs, and everyone lives to see another three-way date. It appears that Matt and Gabby already have his and hers "story tattoos" on their chests, so Matt rewards her with some one on one time as a result.

Gabby starts crying almost immediately. In my experience, this IS the best way to make the farmer kiss you. This only works until you are married though, and after that you are 'about to get your period' or 'need to calm the f&^% down.' Whatever. Matt buys it hook, line and sinker, and they KISSSSSS!

Lachie - He's having some fun by getting the girls to glam up for the races. To be fair, if I put myself into the girls shoes, this would be my idea of fun too. Drinking and dressing up. Woohoo! Lachie has brought along all of his mates (not a bad idea given his last foray into dating ended in marriage at first sight)... Lots of discussion about 'chemistry' and 'connections'. We meet 'Cousin Stu' who has put his dibs in already... Jess (from last week's awkward date) isn't feeling the love. But she IS thinking about thinking...

Kelly and Belinda are the clear front runners here and poor Jess is just left to drown her sorrows up in the friend zone. Cousin Stu says to Lachie "You don't rush into things traditionally." Um really? I beg to differ. At this point in time that's EXACTLY what his tombstone would say...

"Here lies Lachie... who rushed into things."

"Married at first sight" anyone? Backed up with another rushed appearance on FWAW... sheesh.

Lance - He's taken the girls to a Rodeo! These girls are all over him. Something has got to give. You can't be this happy with your sister wives for this long without something breaking... There is lots of denim, big hats and big Robert - Lance's friend.

It's Rob's job to teach the girls about opening and closing gates, and there is a big part of me that wants to take the piss out of him pretending that this is such an important job, until I remember how much gates suck, and that this could possibly be the most important thing they'll ever learn on the farm. The short haired lady says she doesn't know what she would do with "something big and wild between her legs" (dodgy reference to bull riding) but we know she is lying. She knows EXACTLY what she would do...

On cue, Lance appears on a horse, and all I can think of is the "Old Spice" guy ("I'm on a horse") and so from this point onwards I shall refer to Lance as Old Spice.

As the girls marvel at the rodeo (read: a few guys roped in to riding bulls for the camera, and not a real rodeo) I remember my first ever rodeo. And it IS actually pretty exciting. Even so, Karen is still about to crack. So help me god, if there are even more tears I may have to write to Channel 9 and tell them to tone it down.

Old Spice - Still speaking in third person... "She was exactly what Lancey was looking for." Ummm, Old Spice, you can leave that narrating your own story out of this thank you. Miss Sammy Mac is doing a fine job on her own. Apparently the third person chit chat is contagious. Karen does it now too. "Time to focus on Karen now."

Lachie (again) - Jess gives Lachie her best "it's not you, it's me" speech. She runs walks away and says her goodbyes and leaves.
#dodgedabullet
#bestisyettocome
#cmon

On the whole, my Farmer was more impressed with the slasher and tractor on the ads than any part of tonight's episode.

NEXT WEEK... (and praise be to the gods that this was only one episode!)

Claws are out, mud baths, and the PG rating becomes M15 with all of that 'heating up' we are led to believe will be something more than a kiss.

Over and out.

PS. If you liked this, please share it with a friend. x

Valentines Day Thoughts

Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Apparently love is supposed to be in the air, and everyone loves a good love story. And by ‘everyone’ I mean ‘I do’. Farmers (generally speaking – and I’m definitely up to you writing to me and proving me wrong) aren’t known for their repetitive romantic gestures.

I love my own love story. City girl meets country boy. It’s text book. We got engaged one Easter when my family were out visiting. The Farmer and I went for a walk out to inspect the empty house dams – completely decimated by the long term drought. As we sat there and discussed how awful things were as a result of the ongoing dry seasons, The Farmer reflected that if I could stand to see this place at its worst, then I would surely love it at its best. We discussed how things could only get better, and he asked me to marry him. There was no message written in the sky, or elaborate flash-mob dance concluding in a romantic proposal. There wasn’t even a bended knee (it probably would have ended in a burr infection in the joint anyway) or even a ring. That came later. But it was special to us, and certainly memorable.

I’ve also written before about some of the romantic gestures The Farmer has shown me over the years. He built me a grid, knowing how much I loathed getting the gate every day. He once remembered me telling someone how much I loved picnics, and bought me my own picnic blanket and basket set and took me on a picnic lunch one weekend. These are only two examples, but I think they summarise The Farmer’s romantic nature nicely. It’s business as usual on a farm.

I once read a book about the ‘Five Love Languages’. (The languages being words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch). The Farmer is definitely an ‘acts of kindness’ kind of guy; the grid, the picnic, our garden. I’m probably more of a ‘words of affirmation’ and ‘quality time’ kind of girl. Our different love languages have caused plenty of fireworks over the years.

Even though I’m a hopeless romantic, I’m not a huge fan of Valentine’s Day. It’s truly just another day around here. There’s no big dinner in town, no flowers, no gifts, not even a Hallmark card. It’s completely unnecessary around here. Acts of service, words of affirmation and quality time and do happen at any time of year. Instead of celebrating with gifts, The Farmer will head off at day break and make his way back at sunset, with some time at home for lunch. We will have dinner as a family and celebrate each other. Just like we do most other days.

Do you have a romantic story to share? Head over to my Facebook page to share! “The Farmer’s Wife”. I’m also on Instagram: @jessthefarmerswife and Twitter: @jessfarmerswife

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 2 - A visit to the farm

Did you catch last week's recap? If you missed it you can find it here...

Episode 1 - FWAW Recap

I think we need to start by addressing the fact that this show is actually on too late for most farmers to sit up and watch. Clearly it's a ratings issue, but I'm going to have trouble getting The Farmer to sit up with me and give me all his funny lines when he has a 'sparrow's fart' start tomorrow morning. Channel 9 - listen up already! This is serious. Just as serious as Lachie's quest to find a wife. For real. Honestly... this whole 2 hour episode finishing past 11 o'clock is just crazy talk!!!

*yawn*

OKAY - I have made it to kick off (cold Milo and pillow in hand, because glamorous)!

We open with farmers busy prepping farms, green rolling hills and Sam's lovely voice over.

Have I mentioned how much I love Sam? Truth be told, the farmers probably all want to take her home and marry her and just call quits on this late night television bizzo too... but we'll play along for now...

1. The girls arrive

Matt - (pilot from Pilbara) - His ladies have travelled two hours from an airport presumably in the middle of nowhere to stay in donga accommodation. Don't be fooled. These dongas are the best, assuming they're equipped with air con. One lady says she wants a Macho Man, and I gotta say that any guy who lives on a farm and flies a helicopter is overqualified in the Macho department. Consider your box ticked ladies.

Lachie - ("Dude hay farmer") - Oh look! We are on his farm, nice and manicured in time for all this free advertising on FWAW before he decided to put it on the market. Good to see all girls have arrived in the correct bush uniform (even if this farm is only an hour from Sydney). Collars, checked shirts, jeans and boots. Good stuff ladies. Lachie has the ladies busy on his 'dude ranch' 'hay farm' doing important jobs such as tagging, drenching and baling hay, however we only actually see one of the girls spraying a cow with some yellow stuff. When I asked The Farmer what she was doing, he said 'probably nothing'. There was some mention of 'cattle wrangling', which (after watching the footage) I have decided is tv code for watching girls run haphazardly through the fields randomly chasing cows.

Later Lachie has his girls weeding (by hand) out in the paddock. As you do.

Lance - (Rodeo Cowboy) - As Lance enters a 4 way embrace with three of his sister wives, he laments the fact that Lorraine (last week's face) is missing. We are reminded of Lance saying he is chasing 'gunslingers and whores' (or was that horses?? Honestly, I have heard it about 3 times already tonight and I still can't tell).

Lance shows his ladies how to lasso. Apparently roping skills will serve them well down the track. I wonder if this is what they will need to retrieve him from future buckle bunnies once his 15 minutes of fame follows him into his next Campdraft. Music reminiscent of Jessica Rabbit times plays as all three girls blatantly throw themselves at Lance (who assures the camera that he doesn't want to limit his cuddles to only 1 woman because that's not fair), and the three sister wives think that's fine and normal.

Sam eventually arrives to spare us the PG rating going M15and tells us that Lorraine can't make it to the farm due to 'personal circumstaces'. Lance says this is a bit of a hurdle, but I bet he is a barrel racer from way back and he will jump on over that hurdle into the next lady's arms.

Jedd - (Deep thinker) - He introduces his dog, Greg, to the ladies. So romantic watching your sister wives all pull up to the farm in a car together. It is Shanell who impresses by feeding Greg some doggie snacks she smuggled from the city to the farm.

Rowdy Julz - (no 'e' in Julz this week) - Has his daughter, River, there to help his clean up for the ladies, but we don't see her afterwards, so we can only assume that he doesn't have her off running the farm while he finds a new worker wife. There are so many red cars in this shot. And red goes faster. This is all so very 'Rowdy'. Julz impresses the ladies with his lumberjack skills (because all bearded men must be into cutting timber right?) and then crowd face army girl Megan enters late. Cue steely looks and piercing glances from the other girls.

Adam - (Dairy Farmer and Cutie) - He is excited about seeing yellow hat Hayley, and is disappointed when she wears white suede boots and acts like a bit of a Princess around the mud. I'm wondering where the "I want to be a butcher" girl has gone, and I'm hoping she doesn't wear those boots in the meat house as well. I'm disappointed. I wanted to take her home and marry her myself, and I'm feeling a little duped.

2. First nights on the farm

Julz - steak is on the menu.

Lance - playing with his food and tying to be a clown. No surprises.

Lachie - Obviously doesn't spend a lot of time in the house without his mother, because he has no idea how to work any of the appliances. Obviously looking for a cook. The ladies are all happy to oblige.

Jedd - Cooking seafood for dinner, (because oysters equals romance). Kerry announces that she hates oysters and doesn't like seafood. Ummm... what? Did you read his profile? This should be an instant scratching from the race, but let's all pretend that she actually has a chance for now anyway.

Adam - Hayley is worried. She only packed 83657 pairs of shoes and she thinks Adam can see right through her now. He calls Kelsey into the kitchen to help with dinner, but as she is an air hostess, she's only used to bringing it to the table, and not actually preparing it. This spells disaster Kelsey.

3. Mornings on the farm

Adam - it's 5.30am and he's 'waking up the girls' and giving them half an hour to get ready. He's all smiles and there are jokes about early mornings on the dairy farm. I have news for you girls and it ain't pretty. He's probably been up since about 3am. This is how it will be every day for the rest of your life. Except he won't be smiling as he asks you to get up ten years from now.

The girls emerge looking beautiful, and their instructions are 'let's milk, don't get kicked.' One girl is wearing white, and I'm itching to comment on how inappropriate that is on a dairy farm, but then I remember I wore a white shirt into the Amazon Rainforest after rain. No judging here. We all screw up sister! One girl gets poo all over her face and Adam gently wipes it off, because 'love'. Lots of #sunriseporn and everyone (including me) is impressed with the girls today.

Lots of shots of frolicking with lambs and running wildly and giggling. Because 'farm'.

4. Hanging out on the farm


Lance - I'm starting to wonder what Lance actually does on his farm? They are having a horse shit fight. I'm not even joking. Somehow this is all probably going to end in a 4 way man sandwich. I'm so confused.

Lance is still into his tongue kissing and bum smacks (not even a little bit PC) but Karen isn't feeling the love anymore. She wants to leave her sister wives and go home.

Matt - Has the girls separating the cattle into 'boys and girls'  - because bulls and steers and heifers is all just too technical. I think they are actually putting up a hessian fence, but all I can focus on is how these girls all need to put shirts with collars and sleeves on if they don't want skin cancer. They look totally cute (and Matt gives Amelia a bit of a grope in the yards) but that's going to have to change eventually.

Matt takes Amelia on a horse ride and whilst he struts in a hat, she dons a helmet, and I can't help but think about the song 'Downtown' and how Macklemore sings about how "if I only had one helmet, I'd give it to you, I'd give it to you..." And with that the mood is killed. Matt asks what city life is like and she says "boring, stressful and rushed."

I have nothing but bad news for the poor girl...

She's smart though, and says she's going to use the full ten days to see if this is what she can handle.

Meanwhile the other girls are home FREAKING OUT! Amelia keeps her cards close when she gets home and... hold up... April is a "Brand Ambassador"?! What is that? And how do I do it?

#I LOVETOYOTA

The next day Matt turns up in a helicopter. All 4 girls wet their pants a little bit and he is going to get laid by the end of the series for sure. He emerges from the helicopter with a moustache that would give Bert Reynolds a run for his money, but none of the girls notice it at all. April gets on the 'dolly' (post hole digger). She is totally cute in her Rachael John's book cover heroine get up. And Matt doesn't miss a beat. She could be wearing a burlap sack and still look hot though.

Jedd - Gets his girls to change (in front of him no less) into wetsuits. He watches shamelessly. Of course, on top of liking seafood, they obviously have to pass the swimsuit part of this Miss Universe pageant as well. The ladies all do a great job of it.  Watching me change into a wetsuit would be something more akin to a penguin shedding its skin and using its flippers to do it. The girls reciprocate by watching Jedd as well.

Someone says something about not cutting her boobs on the barnacles and something being 'well hung' and now I understand why this is a 9-11pm time slot.

Adam - He is taking Taryn on a picnic date. Baskets, blankets, wine glasses. Completely original. We might not see another basket or blanket for the entire season.

 I went on a date with a picnic basket and blanket once. Just once. It was nice. Once...

Also... if I hear the word 'chemistry' (and not in a science context) one more time I will be forced to start a drinking game...

Adam and Taryn eat sandwiches planted by the props department (and *shock horror* not made by Adam himself), and jokes about how Taryn can handle his 'hot salami' ensue...

Julz - Julz takes GI Jane (Megan) on a roll in the hay. Literally. More picnic blankets and baskets and wine. *sigh* And GI Jane reflects on how "everything in the country is good except for his love life." Umm... except for droughts, fire, being a single parent, debt, isolation, stress from reality tv obligations etc. as well. GI Jane also called him on how he probably wants a farm hand, and he didn't really deny it...

Whilst they are on the 'best date', the other girls are handling it really well from inside the house. They have made up a voodoo doll and Crazy Amanda is holding out on using it. Kidding. But everyone is going a lot bit nuts over the whole date thing. Because who really wants to share your farmer with three other girls anyway?

When Julz and GI Jane return covered in hay, Amanda retreats to the kitchen with her head spinning in circles and her mouth frothing at the sides.

Lachie - Now freely admitting that being 1 hr from Sydney should technically deem him inappropriate for this program, has taken Belinda out to a rustic car for a spot of romance. Another picnic basket and blanket (OMFG) and Lachie's aviator glasses (so porno they take me back to my high school days of watching a classmate's parents dirty 70s videos at a class party).

Lachie says this is 'not something he normally does' - and I'm wondering what he means? Kissing a stranger on reality tv? Or just going on another reality tv dating show? Oh yeah... and a first kiss.

The next day involves more dude farming. A tractor breaks down and there are lubricant jokes. Ugh. Some guy in production is high fiving another jerk on these sleezy jokes, but it's starting to annoy me. It could also be that I'm super tired by now though.


Adam - While all the other farms are heading to bed, Adam is about to help a cow give birth. It's a 'farm emergency'. Watching a calf born IS amazing... but pay close attention to the words he uses as it all unfolds. He will most certainly use those terms again when his wife is birthing...

5. Last Chance Ladies!

Jedd - takes Shanell out on a date, but as he's a responsible adult in control of a boat, his picnic basket and blanket are covered in soft drink, CHIPS and WATER! How romantic...

Lachie - another picnic date (this time with a thermos in some place that is CLEARLY off farm - obvs after the last show he was on, they used all the best date spots). It's completely awkward and is full of 'umms' and 'soooo's.

Lance - Karen says her heart is not in it and asks to leave, and Lance puts on his sad face and says she has to do what makes her happy. Karen packs and Lance takes this sulky lass on a sulky ride through the countryside. The horse and carriage experience is exactly what she needs and she seems a bit happier. He doesn't have to send anyone home tonight anyway, because Lorraine already bailed on him.

Julz -  Takes Melanie (the red head) out on a date and they 'connect' with 'chemistry'... ugh.

6. D DAY!

Loads of makeup, bag packing, coffee and reflecting on feelings.

Matt - April and Amelia are no brainers. They are here for the long haul. And he chooses farm girl Anna to go, which is a total shocker, because we all thought it would be the girl with the arm tattoos who we didn't see all episode.

Julz -  GI Jane and the red head are his no brainers. Then there's Crazy Amanda and some girl called Alex we didn't see at all. He says "It's time to go... Amanda." And I am all like "what?" Because the Producers obviously didn't get their way with this one. Who even is Alex?? Julz will be happy though, because now he can put his steak knives back out on the bench again...

Lachie -  So worried there is 'no thinking about thinking'. Ummm... okay. He sends home someone called Kate, who I didn't even know was there, and not the girl from the awkward date. Weird.

Jedd - I was hoping so bad he would send home no-seafood-Kerry. But he sends home SHANELL!!! I can't believe it. I thought he was so much more relaxed tonight, but clearly he isn't using his brain properly yet. He does quote from 'The Castle' though and I forgive him a little. #itsthevibe

Adam - We are reminded of how Hayley 'mucked up' (how dare she!) and all the girls beg awkwardly. It's a bit sad. And then Kelsey in the kitchen is gone.

This is crazy good editing Channel 9! I may even stay up late again next week to see what other surprises you have in store for me.

Slow guitar music plays and there are tears, mentions of fairytale endings , and maybe even a few bullets dodged. Who knows?

NEXT WEEK!

More weekend fun and romance! And of course... the farm stays heat up...

Boys From The Bush Are Back In Town

Boys from the bush are back in town

I come to the city so much that I forget that it can be a strange and unusual place for people who don’t visit as often as I do. The Farmer and I just returned from Melbourne after a few days away with our neighbours, Mr and Mrs B and their two teenage boys.

I’ve compiled a list of things I saw that city people take for granted and that country people get excited about.

1.      Toll roads – every time the tag in the car beeped, the boys (and by ‘boys’ I also will include the adult boys as well) would cheer in excitement. It was finally getting a run after sitting dormant in the car for so long.

2.      Car maintenance – our taxi in Melbourne had the engine light on. Goodness knows how or why the boys even noticed it. There was much speculation about ‘fumes’, ‘fluid’ and ‘engines dying’ and general intrigue about a perceived lack of vehicle maintenance.

3.      City organisation – The Farmer was impressed at the layout of Melbourne, even commenting that it was ‘organised like a termites nest’. Sometimes I wonder how his brain works… As a general rule we were all excited about the train and tram network, and general navigability of the city.

4.      Soft feet and city boots – when your feet are always wrapped up in work boots, wearing thongs (city boots) for even a few days can end in cracked feet. The Farmer was well prepared with Heel Balm to see him through however.

5.      Daylight hours – when you aren’t working on a farm (where you work until the sun goes down, and sometimes even later) those daylight hours are amazing. We were out every night until at least 11pm contemplating late evening meals and cricket matches in daylight hours that were still occurring when I am normally wrapping up my day.

Having dinner at 9.15pm because... #adulting

6.      The price of meat – when you don’t normally buy meat, paying for a meal that cost you almost as much as a whole sheep sells for at home can be mind boggling. Even if it is the most delicious meal you’ve ever eaten.

Whilst we all loved Melbourne (with it’s crazy weather and wonderful sights), there is nothing like coming home to sunny Queensland, where you don’t have to choose between ’50 Lashes’ and ‘4 Wives’ beer, (because it’s ‘XXXX Gold’ or ‘XXXX Gold’ on tap). More specifically, we love coming home to the farm, resplendent after a little rain. Reality is setting back in and we are all glad for the memories we made in our week away.

You can also find me on facebook: “The Farmer’s Wife” and on Instagram: “Jess the Farmer’s Wife”

FWAW RECAP EPISODE 1 - Meet the Farmers

Episode 1: Farmer Lachie and 5 Other Guys Try to Find a Wife…

*Photo credit - Channel 9 webpages

The first episode opens with lots of meaningful big-hatted silhouettes against bright orange sunsets, and some of the most Australian accents you will find on free to air television.

Farmer ‘Lachie’ (formally Lachlan of ‘Married At First Sight’ fame) has been given more starts than Pharlap, and if he can’t get a wife after this, then who can? Really?

Sam McClymont graces our screen as our lovely host.

So much cuter in jeans and boots! x

Two things.

1.      Yay for having a host who ‘gets’ the 'country'. Or at least sings like she understands.

2.      And whoop-de-doo praise be to Uluru that we have gone back to the Original FWAW format! I wasn’t sure I could endure another season of girls grinding up against stripper poles and plying themselves with alcohol in the bid to bag a guy. That was not what finding a Farmer was about at all… that’s what Saturday nights at the Down Under Bar in Brisbane 20 years ago were for… I digress.

We meet our farmers.

First up is ‘Red Hot Cattle Musterer Matt’ (aka Helicopter Hottie Matt). Matt hails from 1500km away from Perth. At 25 he is the youngest farmer this year. Matt has a ripped body that comes from boxing and wrestling in his hangar. But let’s face it, looks aren’t everything… having a chopper pilot’s licence is basically a licence to date chicks. Except that there are none 1500km from Perth. Apparently. So he’s chasing his ‘special someone’. Matt has the biggest smile ever. Chicks are gonna go wild over that I’m sure.

Next up is ‘True Country Kid Adam’ (aka Cutie Adam). Adam is also 25, from a dairy farm in Gippsland, Vic. and spontaneously bursts into fits of nervous giggles. His place is so green you’ll need shades to view it properly through your tv screens.

More silhouettes and guitar solos…

Single Dad Julez (with a Z) is from Tumby in SA. There’s lots of throwing around the word ‘ROWDY’. He has a 7 year old daughter, River, and straight up calls out his lack of romance as being what is letting him down. Seriously. An unromantic farmer. Mind. Blown.

Cowboy Lance is up next, and woah!!! What the what?! He loves hands on moments, cuddles and kisses and totally reminds us that ‘touchy feely’ is not dead in the bush after all. He’s from Rockhampton QLD (my old stomping ground) and he’s all big hats and buckles. He wants love so badly, but I can’t help but wonder if his dreams of jeans and a collar in the day and a nice dress at night (presumably as she cooks him dinner after a long day in the kitchen) are setting feminism back a few years…

Sensitive Soul Jedd (aka the most nervous man in Australia) is from Coffin Bay SA. He’s an oyster farmer, and I can’t help but wonder that if he could actually bag a nice girl, he should have no problem in the romance department. Nothing but oysters as far as the eye can see… Jedd is 37, is a bit "Mark Darcy" from Bridget Jones, and looks like he is always about to wet himself. Poor thing.

Farmer Lachie (so much more laid back now that he doesn’t actually have to marry any of these girls today) is from Camden NSW. We are told repeatedly that this is his second chance, and there are loads of downward glances and shots of him patting the pocket pup sitting beside him. He calls himself ‘desperate’. Also - and let's address the big elephant in the room - there's that whole 'thing' about him selling his farm and not even being a farmer anymore. Semantics. This is tv. I mean, what could go wrong?

Sam reminds us of the process: 8 ladies have been hand selected by each of the Bachelors Farmers based on their online applications. So 48 gorgeous girls all arrive in a bus. Each Farmer can only keep 4. We are reminded of the success rate of this show. So many marriages, babies, relationships etc… *waves to Clare and Scott*.

These Farmers are all looking for ‘true modern romance’ and nothing says romance like a 5 minute speed date. Except for maybe 'swiping left'… ugh. The speed dates are a mish-mash of awkward gifts and conversations, with one girl even exclaiming she wants a good mate she can shag. Noice!

Jedd is literally crapping himself. Some of his pearlers were “are your family just family?” And “what are your goals?” Poor muffin. Cue clown music. Can’t see a clear winner in any of his girls, but to be fair, it’s hard to see past his nerves.

Matt (helicopter hottie) is breezing it in. My picks for him are are Amelia the Law Student (love music playing is a dead giveaway). Her smile is as big as his and I can’t help but wonder if they had kids how cute their smiles would be.

Julez is the third of our #bushbachies. He is being laden with stubbie coolers, calls of ‘c’mon’ and he seems impressed until Megan (cue love music) dazzles him with her knowledge of weaponry as a result of her experience as a soldier. For the win!

Adam the dairy farmer is instantly smitten with Hayley in the yellow hat. She is gorgeous and speaks Farmish. She speaks of how she should be feeding her dad's dogs while he is away, and how she can’t wait to do a full butchery course in Tasmania. What the actual hell? This girl is Farmer’s Wife gold, and I want to take her home and marry her myself.

Lachie is being laden with a shoulder massage that requires saxophone music in the background. Because romance!

Cowboy Lance wants to hold everyone’s hands. This creeps me out but NONE of his women seem to mind. It’s the most bizarre thing. He says it’s the ‘humble’ thing to do, but yikes. My Farmer Charlie says it’s probably a long history and experience with Buckle Bunnies that’s given him his confidence.

So many hay bales… yawn. I much prefer it when they get the girls back to the farm.

I’ve been thinking about how my 5 minutes with Farmer Charlie would have sounded on a speed date.

Charlie: “Can you see yourself living on a farm?”

Me: “Ummm. No. Not in this life. Or any other life.”

*crickets*

Cowboy Lance is on fire. “How would you go running the farm for 4 days while I was away at a Campdraft?” “How would you go pulling a calf?” And “Can you cook?” Bloody hell…

Lorraine loves it though and love music plays. She cries. Oh god Lorraine. I would too.

More dates… love music and getting to know you chit-chat.

SELECTION TIME…

Country Cutie Adam chooses 3 girls I don’t even remember seeing, and Hayley with the yellow hat. No surprises. One girl announces that she has her gum boots ready and I hope that wherever she’s going is wet enough to warrant using them. On the other hand, gum boots are certainly more practical than an i-device, given the internet in rural areas of Australia!

Rowdy Julez chooses three girls I don’t recognise,  and another girl, Amanda, who seems crazy enough  to make this good viewing!

Helicopter Hottie Matt chooses a girl in a red dress who was sweet called April and a bunch of other non-descript girls. Something I have learned about this show in the past though, is that the Producers have picked who they want the Farmers to choose, but sometimes they will choose someone else anyway. *Another wave to Clare and Scott*.

Deep thinker Jedd is so overwhelmed and chooses … wait. INTERRUPTION! One girl in black has just realised she doesn’t really like the competitive nature of REALITY TV and pulls out… SHOCK HORROR! Anyway… he chooses a bunch of girls who all have an equal chance of winning ending up with a Farmer. Everyone is happy.

Lachie chooses everyone except for a girl called Amalia who dreamed of sleepovers with Lachie and stares daggers at the chosen girls, and smiles through her gritted teeth.

Lance wants to take them all home. Ultimately he chooses 4 women with equal chances. It’s going to be a wild week in Rocky!

NEXT WEEK…

Cow poo, girls nearly getting naked, mud and big hats… bring on the farms!

---