FWAW RECAP EPISODE 1 - Meet the Farmers

Episode 1: Farmer Lachie and 5 Other Guys Try to Find a Wife…

*Photo credit - Channel 9 webpages

The first episode opens with lots of meaningful big-hatted silhouettes against bright orange sunsets, and some of the most Australian accents you will find on free to air television.

Farmer ‘Lachie’ (formally Lachlan of ‘Married At First Sight’ fame) has been given more starts than Pharlap, and if he can’t get a wife after this, then who can? Really?

Sam McClymont graces our screen as our lovely host.

So much cuter in jeans and boots! x

Two things.

1.      Yay for having a host who ‘gets’ the 'country'. Or at least sings like she understands.

2.      And whoop-de-doo praise be to Uluru that we have gone back to the Original FWAW format! I wasn’t sure I could endure another season of girls grinding up against stripper poles and plying themselves with alcohol in the bid to bag a guy. That was not what finding a Farmer was about at all… that’s what Saturday nights at the Down Under Bar in Brisbane 20 years ago were for… I digress.

We meet our farmers.

First up is ‘Red Hot Cattle Musterer Matt’ (aka Helicopter Hottie Matt). Matt hails from 1500km away from Perth. At 25 he is the youngest farmer this year. Matt has a ripped body that comes from boxing and wrestling in his hangar. But let’s face it, looks aren’t everything… having a chopper pilot’s licence is basically a licence to date chicks. Except that there are none 1500km from Perth. Apparently. So he’s chasing his ‘special someone’. Matt has the biggest smile ever. Chicks are gonna go wild over that I’m sure.

Next up is ‘True Country Kid Adam’ (aka Cutie Adam). Adam is also 25, from a dairy farm in Gippsland, Vic. and spontaneously bursts into fits of nervous giggles. His place is so green you’ll need shades to view it properly through your tv screens.

More silhouettes and guitar solos…

Single Dad Julez (with a Z) is from Tumby in SA. There’s lots of throwing around the word ‘ROWDY’. He has a 7 year old daughter, River, and straight up calls out his lack of romance as being what is letting him down. Seriously. An unromantic farmer. Mind. Blown.

Cowboy Lance is up next, and woah!!! What the what?! He loves hands on moments, cuddles and kisses and totally reminds us that ‘touchy feely’ is not dead in the bush after all. He’s from Rockhampton QLD (my old stomping ground) and he’s all big hats and buckles. He wants love so badly, but I can’t help but wonder if his dreams of jeans and a collar in the day and a nice dress at night (presumably as she cooks him dinner after a long day in the kitchen) are setting feminism back a few years…

Sensitive Soul Jedd (aka the most nervous man in Australia) is from Coffin Bay SA. He’s an oyster farmer, and I can’t help but wonder that if he could actually bag a nice girl, he should have no problem in the romance department. Nothing but oysters as far as the eye can see… Jedd is 37, is a bit "Mark Darcy" from Bridget Jones, and looks like he is always about to wet himself. Poor thing.

Farmer Lachie (so much more laid back now that he doesn’t actually have to marry any of these girls today) is from Camden NSW. We are told repeatedly that this is his second chance, and there are loads of downward glances and shots of him patting the pocket pup sitting beside him. He calls himself ‘desperate’. Also - and let's address the big elephant in the room - there's that whole 'thing' about him selling his farm and not even being a farmer anymore. Semantics. This is tv. I mean, what could go wrong?

Sam reminds us of the process: 8 ladies have been hand selected by each of the Bachelors Farmers based on their online applications. So 48 gorgeous girls all arrive in a bus. Each Farmer can only keep 4. We are reminded of the success rate of this show. So many marriages, babies, relationships etc… *waves to Clare and Scott*.

These Farmers are all looking for ‘true modern romance’ and nothing says romance like a 5 minute speed date. Except for maybe 'swiping left'… ugh. The speed dates are a mish-mash of awkward gifts and conversations, with one girl even exclaiming she wants a good mate she can shag. Noice!

Jedd is literally crapping himself. Some of his pearlers were “are your family just family?” And “what are your goals?” Poor muffin. Cue clown music. Can’t see a clear winner in any of his girls, but to be fair, it’s hard to see past his nerves.

Matt (helicopter hottie) is breezing it in. My picks for him are are Amelia the Law Student (love music playing is a dead giveaway). Her smile is as big as his and I can’t help but wonder if they had kids how cute their smiles would be.

Julez is the third of our #bushbachies. He is being laden with stubbie coolers, calls of ‘c’mon’ and he seems impressed until Megan (cue love music) dazzles him with her knowledge of weaponry as a result of her experience as a soldier. For the win!

Adam the dairy farmer is instantly smitten with Hayley in the yellow hat. She is gorgeous and speaks Farmish. She speaks of how she should be feeding her dad's dogs while he is away, and how she can’t wait to do a full butchery course in Tasmania. What the actual hell? This girl is Farmer’s Wife gold, and I want to take her home and marry her myself.

Lachie is being laden with a shoulder massage that requires saxophone music in the background. Because romance!

Cowboy Lance wants to hold everyone’s hands. This creeps me out but NONE of his women seem to mind. It’s the most bizarre thing. He says it’s the ‘humble’ thing to do, but yikes. My Farmer Charlie says it’s probably a long history and experience with Buckle Bunnies that’s given him his confidence.

So many hay bales… yawn. I much prefer it when they get the girls back to the farm.

I’ve been thinking about how my 5 minutes with Farmer Charlie would have sounded on a speed date.

Charlie: “Can you see yourself living on a farm?”

Me: “Ummm. No. Not in this life. Or any other life.”

*crickets*

Cowboy Lance is on fire. “How would you go running the farm for 4 days while I was away at a Campdraft?” “How would you go pulling a calf?” And “Can you cook?” Bloody hell…

Lorraine loves it though and love music plays. She cries. Oh god Lorraine. I would too.

More dates… love music and getting to know you chit-chat.

SELECTION TIME…

Country Cutie Adam chooses 3 girls I don’t even remember seeing, and Hayley with the yellow hat. No surprises. One girl announces that she has her gum boots ready and I hope that wherever she’s going is wet enough to warrant using them. On the other hand, gum boots are certainly more practical than an i-device, given the internet in rural areas of Australia!

Rowdy Julez chooses three girls I don’t recognise,  and another girl, Amanda, who seems crazy enough  to make this good viewing!

Helicopter Hottie Matt chooses a girl in a red dress who was sweet called April and a bunch of other non-descript girls. Something I have learned about this show in the past though, is that the Producers have picked who they want the Farmers to choose, but sometimes they will choose someone else anyway. *Another wave to Clare and Scott*.

Deep thinker Jedd is so overwhelmed and chooses … wait. INTERRUPTION! One girl in black has just realised she doesn’t really like the competitive nature of REALITY TV and pulls out… SHOCK HORROR! Anyway… he chooses a bunch of girls who all have an equal chance of winning ending up with a Farmer. Everyone is happy.

Lachie chooses everyone except for a girl called Amalia who dreamed of sleepovers with Lachie and stares daggers at the chosen girls, and smiles through her gritted teeth.

Lance wants to take them all home. Ultimately he chooses 4 women with equal chances. It’s going to be a wild week in Rocky!

NEXT WEEK…

Cow poo, girls nearly getting naked, mud and big hats… bring on the farms!

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The Many Hats I Wear

I’ve had quite a few people find their way to my website this week just gone. It’s probably a good opportunity to introduce myself in more detail. Mostly I am a mum, wife, teacher who also happens to reside in Western Queensland, but I wear many other hats as well.

Wannabe Writer: Several years ago I started a blog to serve as a kind of journal about my seemingly unique experiences as a city girl making a life in the country. As it turns out, my unique experiences were anything but. There appears to be quite a few of us figuring this whole ‘Farmer’s Wife’ bizzo out. I have been fortunate enough to be able to have many of my musings published, which is not only great for a laugh, but also great for my ego.

P&C Mum: I try to limit my involvement in local community groups to a number just high enough to stress me out moderately, but not enough to send me into a complete state of meltdown. The P&C is one of those groups. I am passionate about my children’s education and find the P&C a welcoming, fairly straight forward commitment. This committee involvement has (at some point or another) also been the Show Society, Kindy Committee and Rodeo. It evolves with our social dynamics.

Soccer Mum: I’m not really a soccer mum. We only have JRL out here, so we spend winter weekends for a few months of the year travelling huge distances to watch our kids have fun kicking a ball around, and I definitely don’t misbehave on the sidelines. When the weather warms up, I swap my hat from JRL mum to swimming mum. The kids pretty much just swap boots and ball for togs and a towel. Same same but different.

Friend and Neighbour: There aren’t too many people out where I live. It pays to get along nicely with the small number of people who surround you. If you run short of bread or milk or barbeque flavoured rice crackers, a good relationship with the people next door is the difference between a 20km round trip, and an 80km round trip. Thankfully I actually really do like my neighbours.

Given all the different hats I wear, you would think that I actually wear a bunch of other (real) hats as well. I don’t wear too many hats. (Or rather, I don’t have a favourite). Incidentally I don’t wear an Akubra. I never have. But I’m definitely considering it, and actually, if I really think about it, it’s the hat I am most looking forward to wearing.

If you have any other questions for me, I’d love to hear from you!

How To Survive On A Farm (Tips From Someone Who Knows Nothing About It). Part 8: Find a Drinking Partner, ahhh, I Mean FRIEND...

Ten years ago I moved to St George knowing NO ONE. Not a soul. And NO THING, (nada, nil, zip) about the bush. Ten years on, I can't imagine myself anywhere else. Okay, that is a blatant lie. I still hope and pray that CP will wake up one day dreaming of THIS - ocean as far as the eye can see, and shopping centres every few kilometres. But since I know that he will die before that will happen, I repeat, I can't imagine myself anywhere else.

Luckily for me, I've picked up a few very good local friends along the way. This is CRITICAL in making the country your HOME. So in no particular order, and in no particular portrayal of the truth, I have categorised some of the important people in my life. They know who they are. XXX.

1. The Drinkers / Girls Weekenders.

It is essential that you find someone who you can just rock up at their house with a bottle of Omni Blue, a packet of Barbeque rice crackers, cut up kabana and a Hummus dip and know that they will not only welcome you openly, and help you consume way too much of above mentioned food and beverages, but also feed the three children you've had to drag over there with you if your stay extends into meal times. The drinking buddy is important because they don't make you feel guilty about anything. You will mostly turn to the drinking buddy when you need to escape your house. This could be because the children / husband / work / weather / cat or dog is getting on your nerves, or it could be because you need to return the mail that was wrongly left in your mailbox. It could also be that you feel bad eating a whole kabana on your own, or drinking a bottle of Omni on your own, and need someone to appease your guilt.

This type of friend is also up for either a girls trip away or 'weekender'. They will come / organise a few days away with just the girls. It involves fake tans, having nails and hair and make up done, watching movies, getting dressed up and shopping. And no children. Or husbands.

PS: Logistically speaking, it helps if at least one of your drinking buddies is also your neighbour. But we can't always have everything. (Unless of course, you're me.)

2. The Cavalry.
This is the person you go to when you need urgent and immediate help in any shape or form. These friends are real gems, because mostly you don't even have to go to them. They just know when to find you. The Cavalry are easily identified at such key moments in your life as pregnancy, major life events, planning of functions, busy periods at work. My Cavalry cooked me meals all through my pregnancies, when the smell of all foods drove me into a deep and dark pit of despair. She still cooks for me! This Friday we have a sports carnival that starts at some ungodly hour (all for a good cause though!) and she is cooking me dinner for that night, so I don't need to worry about it myself after such a long day out of the house! She is also making me lunch, and coming to cheer on my kids (who she is also making lunch for), and helping me get out of the house in time - even though she lives 1/2 an hour away. I know. I sound completely incompetent. I can't stop the Cavalry. The Cavalry is a force to be reckoned with.  The Cavalry has more energy than you could ever hope to muster yourself, and you will only ever aspire to being able to live up to such high standards, as those set by this friend.

3. The Club.
It could be a book club, a sports club, an organisation or whatever. I am a member of several. The club are people you might only meet with occasionally, but they are always worth the wait. Some of the best laughs I have are with people in 'the club'. I'm talking about crying until you wet your pants kind of laughing. Plus I get to eat garlic prawns when the club meets, so that is an added bonus. People in 'the club' are often people you have a lot in common with. They are people who all have a common interest, and as such, are much easier to find common ground with. Plus they take me away from the frightening reality of my crazy life for one evening a month. CP seems to think the 'once a month' is more like once a fortnight these days. And he could be right. But being part of a club is nice.

4. The Workmates.
These are the people who you meet strictly through work. Sometimes they are 'local' (also married to farmers), and sometimes they are just doing their country service. They understand why you are stressed, and why you cry when you are busy. They remember your birthday and bring a cake into the staff room to celebrate. They look after your children when you are stuck in a meeting or are locked in the photocopy room trying to get something productive happening. They are people you will sometimes socialise with in other capacities (clubs, parents etc.) but you will relate to mostly in a work capacity. Workmates are sympathetic to the varying needs of a working parent.

5. The Good Samaritans.
These are the friends (who probably also fall into other categories) who you constantly feel like you will never be able to make it up to. They seem to do so many 'little things' for you, even though they genuinely don't seem to mind. My good samaritans pick my youngest daughter up from the school I teach at (since I get to school at some ridiculously early hour) and drop her off at the Kindy. Then they pick her up in the afternoon and bring her back to my school for me. These are genuinely GOOD people, who I respect and admire in so many ways.

6. The Wife/Mother Crowd.
When I was first dating CP, a farmers wife (who I had very little in common with at the time, but who had clearly noticed my discomfort whilst socialising with 'the country crowd') once told me that things will get easier when I am married with children. I remember being upset by her comment and thinking that it should have been easier than that. It should just be that people like me for me, regardless of whether or not I am married or if I have children. But I understand what she meant now. Once upon a time, that farmers wife was just like me. And all she meant was that it doesn't matter if you have nothing in common with anyone out here NOW, because when you add a husband and children into the equation, we all have that in common. And that's sometimes all it takes to make lifelong friendships.

Some of the women I have met through having children and being married are some of my closest friends. They are not necessarily people I would ever have spoken to in any other circumstances, and now I can't imagine not having them in my life. Our children will grow up together. Hopefully our husbands will grow up together too. Whoops... I mean grow older together...  :)

The wives and mothers are the people you will need to see you through the crazy years of sleepless nights, and screaming children. They will offer advice, recipes, clothes, baking dishes, ingredients and anything else they know has worked for them. They are people you call when you find a sick heifer over the back fence and can't find anyone at home to tell you if it is okay. They are the people you call when you don't know why your baby is crying. They are the poeple you speak to in front of the school to complain about your husband not helping with the children enough. They are people you will car pool to JRL practise 3 hours away with. They are good friends, not only because they have to be, but because they just are special people, just like you.

7. The Family.

The immediate family, the in-laws, the cousins, the grandparents. It doesn't matter who they are. They will be another component of your friendship network. I couldn't have survived without mine. CPs parents help me with the children. They have introduced me to some of my closest friends. CPs cousins were some of my first friends out here. They helped welcome me to a new, large family. And I love them. It's true that you CAN choose your friends, and you CAN'T choose your family. But I have been incredibly lucky with both.

And your husband. You have to like your husband. Even though he might leave the cupboard doors open, and never put the milk and margarine back in the fridge. I argue with mine a fair bit, but I love him. I love him a lot.

I have been asked in the past if the friendships you make 'out here' are as genuine as friendships I made 'before'. And I can honestly answer that, 'yes', these friendships are real and important, and even though they are also necessary, they are often even more important. Women out here understand what you go through on a daily basis. They understand the dynamics of farm life, and country living, and the work/life balance that you try to maintain even without local child care facilities.

My friends and I, we are peas in a pod. They help me to make sense of my life as it is. And I can't imagine things any other way.