Episode 1 - FWAW Recap
I think we need to start by addressing the fact that this show is actually on too late for most farmers to sit up and watch. Clearly it's a ratings issue, but I'm going to have trouble getting The Farmer to sit up with me and give me all his funny lines when he has a 'sparrow's fart' start tomorrow morning. Channel 9 - listen up already! This is serious. Just as serious as Lachie's quest to find a wife. For real. Honestly... this whole 2 hour episode finishing past 11 o'clock is just crazy talk!!!
OKAY - I have made it to kick off (cold Milo and pillow in hand, because glamorous)!
We open with farmers busy prepping farms, green rolling hills and Sam's lovely voice over.
Have I mentioned how much I love Sam? Truth be told, the farmers probably all want to take her home and marry her and just call quits on this late night television bizzo too... but we'll play along for now...
1. The girls arrive
Matt - (pilot from Pilbara) - His ladies have travelled two hours from an airport presumably in the middle of nowhere to stay in donga accommodation. Don't be fooled. These dongas are the best, assuming they're equipped with air con. One lady says she wants a Macho Man, and I gotta say that any guy who lives on a farm and flies a helicopter is overqualified in the Macho department. Consider your box ticked ladies.
Lachie - ("
Later Lachie has his girls weeding (by hand) out in the paddock. As you do.
Lance - (Rodeo Cowboy) - As Lance enters a 4 way embrace with three of his sister wives, he laments the fact that Lorraine (last week's face) is missing. We are reminded of Lance saying he is chasing 'gunslingers and whores' (or was that horses?? Honestly, I have heard it about 3 times already tonight and I still can't tell).
Lance shows his ladies how to lasso. Apparently roping skills will serve them well down the track. I wonder if this is what they will need to retrieve him from future buckle bunnies once his 15 minutes of fame follows him into his next Campdraft. Music reminiscent of Jessica Rabbit times plays as all three girls blatantly throw themselves at Lance (who assures the camera that he doesn't want to limit his cuddles to only 1 woman because that's not fair), and the three sister wives think that's fine and normal.
Sam eventually arrives to spare us the PG rating going M15and tells us that Lorraine can't make it to the farm due to 'personal circumstaces'. Lance says this is a bit of a hurdle, but I bet he is a barrel racer from way back and he will jump on over that hurdle into the next lady's arms.
Jedd - (Deep thinker) - He introduces his dog, Greg, to the ladies. So romantic watching your sister wives all pull up to the farm in a car together. It is Shanell who impresses by feeding Greg some doggie snacks she smuggled from the city to the farm.
Rowdy Julz - (no 'e' in Julz this week) - Has his daughter, River, there to help his clean up for the ladies, but we don't see her afterwards, so we can only assume that he doesn't have her off running the farm while he finds a new
Adam - (Dairy Farmer and Cutie) - He is excited about seeing yellow hat Hayley, and is disappointed when she wears white suede boots and acts like a bit of a Princess around the mud. I'm wondering where the "I want to be a butcher" girl has gone, and I'm hoping she doesn't wear those boots in the meat house as well. I'm disappointed. I wanted to take her home and marry her myself, and I'm feeling a little duped.
2. First nights on the farm
Julz - steak is on the menu.
Lance - playing with his food and tying to be a clown. No surprises.
Lachie - Obviously doesn't spend a lot of time in the house without his mother, because he has no idea how to work any of the appliances. Obviously looking for a cook. The ladies are all happy to oblige.
Jedd - Cooking seafood for dinner, (because oysters equals romance). Kerry announces that she hates oysters and doesn't like seafood. Ummm... what? Did you read his profile? This should be an instant scratching from the race, but let's all pretend that she actually has a chance for now anyway.
Adam - Hayley is worried. She only packed 83657 pairs of shoes and she thinks Adam can see right through her now. He calls Kelsey into the kitchen to help with dinner, but as she is an air hostess, she's only used to bringing it to the table, and not actually preparing it. This spells disaster Kelsey.
3. Mornings on the farm
Adam - it's 5.30am and he's 'waking up the girls' and giving them half an hour to get ready. He's all smiles and there are jokes about early mornings on the dairy farm. I have news for you girls and it ain't pretty. He's probably been up since about 3am. This is how it will be every day for the rest of your life. Except he won't be smiling as he asks you to get up ten years from now.
The girls emerge looking beautiful, and their instructions are 'let's milk, don't get kicked.' One girl is wearing white, and I'm itching to comment on how inappropriate that is on a dairy farm, but then I remember I wore a white shirt into the Amazon Rainforest after rain. No judging here. We all screw up sister! One girl gets poo all over her face and Adam gently wipes it off, because 'love'. Lots of #sunriseporn and everyone (including me) is impressed with the girls today.
Lots of shots of frolicking with lambs and running wildly and giggling. Because 'farm'.
4. Hanging out on the farm
Lance - I'm starting to wonder what Lance actually does on his farm? They are having a horse shit fight. I'm not even joking. Somehow this is all probably going to end in a 4 way man sandwich. I'm so confused.
Lance is still into his tongue kissing and bum smacks (not even a little bit PC) but Karen isn't feeling the love anymore. She wants to leave her sister wives and go home.
Matt - Has the girls separating the cattle into 'boys and girls' - because bulls and steers and heifers is all just too technical. I think they are actually putting up a hessian fence, but all I can focus on is how these girls all need to put shirts with collars and sleeves on if they don't want skin cancer. They look totally cute (and Matt gives Amelia a bit of a grope in the yards) but that's going to have to change eventually.
Matt takes Amelia on a horse ride and whilst he struts in a hat, she dons a helmet, and I can't help but think about the song 'Downtown' and how Macklemore sings about how "if I only had one helmet, I'd give it to you, I'd give it to you..." And with that the mood is killed. Matt asks what city life is like and she says "boring, stressful and rushed."
I have nothing but bad news for the poor girl...
She's smart though, and says she's going to use the full ten days to see if this is what she can handle.
Meanwhile the other girls are home FREAKING OUT! Amelia keeps her cards close when she gets home and... hold up... April is a "Brand Ambassador"?! What is that? And how do I do it?
The next day Matt turns up in a helicopter. All 4 girls wet their pants a little bit and he is going to get laid by the end of the series for sure. He emerges from the helicopter with a moustache that would give Bert Reynolds a run for his money, but none of the girls notice it at all. April gets on the 'dolly' (post hole digger). She is totally cute in her Rachael John's book cover heroine get up. And Matt doesn't miss a beat. She could be wearing a burlap sack and still look hot though.
Jedd - Gets his girls to change (in front of him no less) into wetsuits. He watches shamelessly. Of course, on top of liking seafood, they obviously have to pass the swimsuit part of this Miss Universe pageant as well. The ladies all do a great job of it. Watching me change into a wetsuit would be something more akin to a penguin shedding its skin and using its flippers to do it. The girls reciprocate by watching Jedd as well.
Someone says something about not cutting her boobs on the barnacles and something being 'well hung' and now I understand why this is a 9-11pm time slot.
Adam - He is taking Taryn on a picnic date. Baskets, blankets, wine glasses. Completely original. We might not see another basket or blanket for the entire season.
I went on a date with a picnic basket and blanket once. Just once. It was nice. Once...
Also... if I hear the word 'chemistry' (and not in a science context) one more time I will be forced to start a drinking game...
Adam and Taryn eat sandwiches planted by the props department (and *shock horror* not made by Adam himself), and jokes about how Taryn can handle his 'hot salami' ensue...
Julz - Julz takes GI Jane (Megan) on a roll in the hay. Literally. More picnic blankets and baskets and wine. *sigh* And GI Jane reflects on how "everything in the country is good except for his love life." Umm... except for droughts, fire, being a single parent, debt, isolation, stress from reality tv obligations etc. as well. GI Jane also called him on how he probably wants a farm hand, and he didn't really deny it...
Whilst they are on the 'best date', the other girls are handling it really well from inside the house. They have made up a voodoo doll and Crazy Amanda is holding out on using it. Kidding. But everyone is going a
When Julz and GI Jane return covered in hay, Amanda retreats to the kitchen with her head spinning in circles and her mouth frothing at the sides.
Lachie - Now freely admitting that being 1 hr from Sydney should technically deem him inappropriate for this program, has taken Belinda out to a rustic car for a spot of romance. Another picnic basket and blanket (OMFG) and Lachie's aviator glasses (so porno they take me back to my high school days of watching a classmate's parents dirty 70s videos at a class party).
Lachie says this is 'not something he normally does' - and I'm wondering what he means? Kissing a stranger on reality tv? Or just going on another reality tv dating show? Oh yeah... and a first kiss.
The next day involves more
Adam - While all the other farms are heading to bed, Adam is about to help a cow give birth. It's a 'farm emergency'. Watching a calf born IS amazing... but pay close attention to the words he uses as it all unfolds. He will most certainly use those terms again when his wife is birthing...
5. Last Chance Ladies!
Jedd - takes Shanell out on a date, but as he's a responsible adult in control of a boat, his picnic basket and blanket are covered in soft drink, CHIPS and WATER! How romantic...
Lachie - another picnic date (this time with a thermos in some place that is CLEARLY off farm - obvs after the last show he was on, they used all the best date spots). It's completely awkward and is full of 'umms' and 'soooo's.
Lance - Karen says her heart is not in it and asks to leave, and Lance puts on his sad face and says she has to do what makes her happy. Karen packs and Lance takes this sulky lass on a sulky ride through the countryside. The horse and carriage experience is exactly what she needs and she seems a bit happier. He doesn't have to send anyone home tonight anyway, because Lorraine already bailed on him.
Julz - Takes Melanie (the red head) out on a date and they 'connect' with 'chemistry'... ugh.
6. D DAY!
Loads of makeup, bag packing, coffee and reflecting on feelings.
Matt - April and Amelia are no brainers. They are here for the long haul. And he chooses farm girl Anna to go, which is a total shocker, because we all thought it would be the girl with the arm tattoos who we didn't see all episode.
Julz - GI Jane and the red head are his no brainers. Then there's Crazy Amanda and some girl called Alex we didn't see at all. He says "It's time to go... Amanda." And I am all like "what?" Because the Producers obviously didn't get their way with this one. Who even is Alex?? Julz will be happy though, because now he can put his steak knives back out on the bench again...
Lachie - So worried there is 'no thinking about thinking'. Ummm... okay. He sends home someone called Kate, who I didn't even know was there, and not the girl from the awkward date. Weird.
Jedd - I was hoping so bad he would send home no-seafood-Kerry. But he sends home SHANELL!!! I can't believe it. I thought he was so much more relaxed tonight, but clearly he isn't using his brain properly yet. He does quote from 'The Castle' though and I forgive him a little. #itsthevibe
Adam - We are reminded of how Hayley 'mucked up' (how dare she!) and all the girls beg awkwardly. It's a bit sad. And then Kelsey in the kitchen is gone.
This is crazy good editing Channel 9! I may even stay up late again next week to see what other surprises you have in store for me.
Slow guitar music plays and there are tears, mentions of fairytale endings , and maybe even a few bullets dodged. Who knows?
More weekend fun and romance! And of course... the farm stays heat up...