Sam starts by informing us that 'farmers know how to have fun' (presumably by spraying fields, doing cattle work, and checking for eggs with your three girlfriends - as the montage suggests).
Farmers Know How To Have Fun:
Julz - Having fun means having to leave the farm. And nothing says 'fun' like riding a Segway through grassy fields. Clearly this was the stupid idea of a Producer who has never been on a farm before. One of the girls says she loves adventure and has even been sky diving, but clearly none of that is in the budget... so segways it is.
After the most boring fun day ever. Julz backs it up with a one on one with Alex, as they feed birds together. Yawn. I want my 5 minutes of my life back again.
Still pretty sure that he 'gels' with G.I. Megan, he takes her on a jetty walk whilst the other two girls hurl visual daggers at them while they are gone. I can't help but wonder if life with Megan would be all Von Trapps 2.0. Whistles and marching to keep things in order.
Adam - He's also taking his girls off farm. And this is pretty much how it rolls on a farm. Unless your idea of fun is fencing and rolling out pipe and mustering. Adam is treating his girlfriends to... wait... what?
What's better than one wifey in the kitchen? THREE wifeys in the kitchen of course! Nothing like finding out who will make the perfect wife, than by setting up a tortellini making session. Hopefully they also show the girls how to put out slippers and light Adam's pipe before he gets home from work as well...
Hayley is freaking out and crying and frankly, I would be too.
The conversation turns to "what love means" and Adam tells the girls that "the more people in your life to love, the better." Presumably he is referring to wanting to keep all three girls in a harem. And they are all lapping it up.
As it turns out, Hayley doesn't just cook, she cleans too. For that, she is rewarded with extra one on one time, while the two other girls just hang outside together... just you know... loitering, I suppose. Adam fesses up about how hard it is to date three girls. Poor Adam. #firstworldproblems
Jedd - After overcoming his painful awkwardness, he's now all about the hugs. He's taken Kerry the photographer on a 'date' and pretty much all she does is take pictures of his dog, Gregory.
Next up he takes the girls to a winery. Some discussion about 'soul mates' and 'having babies'. Really, just a casual discussion between you, your boyfriend, and his other two girlfriends about copulation ending in procreation to make you want to drink faster. Sam manages to con him into some one on one time to discuss this soul mate thing a little more.
Jedd is apparently showing his serious side. Jedd and Sam kiss.
Matt - Nothing says having fun like unloading a cattle truck. (Sounds a bit like Valentine's Day around here). Amelia comments on how she 'loves trucks because she has seen them on the highway. Hmmm. And I can't remember anything else because I'm still stuck on how April is a 'Brand Ambassador'. If you know this girl, please get her in touch with me. I need to know what this is and how I do it! For real!
Matt takes the girls out to a nice spot at the river. I start to wonder if this is like a Darwin's test of 'survival of the fittest' or whatever it is... Maybe he thinks a croc will come and take one of the girls so he doesn't have to be the bad guy and do it himself. Thankfully, there are no crocs, and everyone lives to see another three-way date. It appears that Matt and Gabby already have his and hers "story tattoos" on their chests, so Matt rewards her with some one on one time as a result.
Gabby starts crying almost immediately. In my experience, this IS the best way to make the farmer kiss you. This only works until you are married though, and after that you are 'about to get your period' or 'need to calm the f&^% down.' Whatever. Matt buys it hook, line and sinker, and they KISSSSSS!
Lachie - He's having some fun by getting the girls to glam up for the races. To be fair, if I put myself into the girls shoes, this would be my idea of fun too. Drinking and dressing up. Woohoo! Lachie has brought along all of his mates (not a bad idea given his last foray into dating ended in marriage at first sight)... Lots of discussion about 'chemistry' and 'connections'. We meet 'Cousin Stu' who has put his dibs in already... Jess (from last week's awkward date) isn't feeling the love. But she IS thinking about thinking...
Kelly and Belinda are the clear front runners here and poor Jess is just left to drown her sorrows up in the friend zone. Cousin Stu says to Lachie "You don't rush into things traditionally." Um really? I beg to differ. At this point in time that's EXACTLY what his tombstone would say...
"Here lies Lachie... who rushed into things."
"Married at first sight" anyone? Backed up with another rushed appearance on FWAW... sheesh.
Lance - He's taken the girls to a Rodeo! These girls are all over him. Something has got to give. You can't be this happy with your sister wives for this long without something breaking... There is lots of denim, big hats and big Robert - Lance's friend.
It's Rob's job to teach the girls about opening and closing gates, and there is a big part of me that wants to take the piss out of him pretending that this is such an important job, until I remember how much gates suck, and that this could possibly be the most important thing they'll ever learn on the farm. The short haired lady says she doesn't know what she would do with "something big and wild between her legs" (dodgy reference to bull riding) but we know she is lying. She knows EXACTLY what she would do...
On cue, Lance appears on a horse, and all I can think of is the "Old Spice" guy ("I'm on a horse") and so from this point onwards I shall refer to Lance as Old Spice.
As the girls marvel at the rodeo (read: a few guys roped in to riding bulls for the camera, and not a real rodeo) I remember my first ever rodeo. And it IS actually pretty exciting. Even so, Karen is still about to crack. So help me god, if there are even more tears I may have to write to Channel 9 and tell them to tone it down.
Old Spice - Still speaking in third person... "She was exactly what Lancey was looking for." Ummm, Old Spice, you can leave that narrating your own story out of this thank you. Miss Sammy Mac is doing a fine job on her own. Apparently the third person chit chat is contagious. Karen does it now too. "Time to focus on Karen now."
Lachie (again) - Jess gives Lachie her best "it's not you, it's me" speech. She
On the whole, my Farmer was more impressed with the slasher and tractor on the ads than any part of tonight's episode.
NEXT WEEK... (and praise be to the gods that this was only one episode!)
Claws are out, mud baths, and the PG rating becomes M15 with all of that 'heating up' we are led to believe will be something more than a kiss.
Over and out.
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